Smort the Wild Ant God
Smort was a regular little ant. He did a lot of ant things, collecting crumbs, going to picnics, carrying heavy stuff. You know, the usual.
One day he had enough of the whole ant life, though. He snapped, left the well-travelled pheremone trail, and went on a Hunter S. Thompsonesque drug binge that lasted 2 months. He’d be up for 5 days in a row on a surreal cocktail of cocaine, gin, porn, LSD, ecstasy, lemonade, and M&M’s. Other times he’d sleep for 48 hours in a row as the cockroach poison and PCP worked its way out of his system.
He lost all sense of self-preservation during these times, and would be stumbling around on his little ant legs out in the open on the kitchen floor where anyone could see him and squish him. I don’t know if it was the drunk, crack-induced staggering from side to side or the methamphetamine fueled lighting-fast sprints that saved him, but somehow he survived the whole thing.
You’d think that abusing his little ant body like this would cut a few weeks off of his life span, but you’d be wrong. Maybe the alcohol or the paint thinner helped to preserve him, but while all his siblings were dying off after three months, he kept going. In fact, the rest of the colony soon started revering and worshipping him as a god, since not only was he almost 11 months old (that’s 265 in ant years), but he was the only ant they’d ever heard about to have left the herd and gone on a wild adventure. (Well, there was Marvin, but his “wild adventure” lasted all of 4 hours and only started to hint at Naked Ant Twister before he was squashed by a falling walnut. He never even got to take his hat off.)
I’m not trying to say that hitting the road with insane amounts of legal and illegal drugs (and M&M’s) will make you an Ant God also, but you never know. Smort’s still alive but currently retired from Godding, so the ant masses could certainly use a new one.
If you think you’re qualified, let me know. Send a resume or some references or coordinates to a really good picnic, and I’ll pass them all along to the ant world. If you get a huge mass of ants swarming all over your home in the next few days, you’ll know your application to be Ant God was accepted. Congratulations! Please use your powers only for good.