Get up on your towelbox and shout the virtues of former president Andrew Jackson. I command you, do it now. Really. Or, if you don’t have strong feelings about Andrew Jackson, maybe you can shout about the Univers font. Everyone has strong feelings about that. If you’re some kind of freak and neither of those topics do it for you, your last available topic is the Republic of Malawi in Africa. If possible, please concentrate on their influence over Jessica Simpson’s day-to-day habits.

No, you can’t have other choices. Any of those three topics should keep you screaming until you’re red in the face and in the fingers. If not, you might want to consider a new line of work. Seriously now, what’s wrong with you?

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