Urgent Letter to the FCC
Dear FCC,
I had a dream last night. Not in the Martin Luther King way, where it was some kind of waking dream about a perfect future filled with dinosaurs and cake. No, this was a regular sleeping dream.
Except for the way there was nothing regular about it. Let me describe it to you, because it is central to this letter.
In my dream I was standing in an empty field, minding my own business, and thinking to myself, “hey, this is a pretty nifty dream.” But then it all fell apart. A well-organized and uniformed band of American Idol auditioners marched right up to me and my face, and tried to start talking to my face.
My face wanted to have nothing to do with American Idolers, for God has said not to worship other idols. My face immediately tried to make a dash for a random spot in the field that wasn’t in the direction of American Idol, but Conan O’Brian was standing there waiting for it.
Conan slapped my face with his ridiculously oversized left hand, forcing my face to flee back onto my head. He laughed and laughed at the way my face ran from his hand, not unlike a dinosaur might laugh at the sight of a delicious cake.
The American Idol auditioners swiftly surrounded me and would not let me move. They seemed to be waiting for something.
Several minutes later they began peering off into the distance and whispering excitedly to each other. I couldn’t see what they were looking at, since, as everyone knows, the average person that auditions for American Idol is approximately eight feet tall.
Eventually they parted enough to allow Montel Williams to walk up. He took one look at me and the imprint of Conan O’Brians gigantic hand on my face, and opened his mouth to speak.
Everyone fell silent in anticipation of upcoming Montelspeak. Montel summoned his powers, closed his eyes, and said, “The tribe has spoken. Please bring me your torch.”
And then I woke up.
Obviously TV broadcasts are penetrating my skull and landing in my brain as I’m sleeping. I’d hope that the FCC would have stricter regulations about this kind of thing. Please look into this and try to ensure that these types of television-saturated dreams do not become a regular occurrence in my life.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.