Specificity
Most horoscopes and fortunes are pretty vague with their predictions. They’ll give you things like, “A great gift will come your way,” or, “Some people find you funny-looking.”
Our horoscopes are of a much higher quality than those. We grow them using the finest horoscope seeds and the highest-quality fertilizer we can buy without getting Homeland Security to come after us.
To prove our superiority, we’re going to give you one of the most specific and detailed horoscopes that has ever been offered. In fact, we believe this to be the most specific one ever given out on the Interweb. If you can disprove this and point us to a more specific one, please do!
Because our ultraspecific horoscopes are a valuable commodity, we will only give you one, rather than the whole range (you know, from the bull-thing to the guy with a bow and arrow… we’re not going to get into the official “names” or anything). If you want more, just send us lots of money.
If anything in this horoscope proves to not come true, we guarantee a full refund.
Scorpio: Your day will begin shortly before sunrise with a family of deer knocking at your bedroom window. They’ll want Raisin Bran and milk. You should let them have some, because otherwise they’ll just keep coming back, each time with bigger and bigger weapons and louder and louder knocks on your window until eventually you scream out, “STOP IT ALREADY HAVE SOME RAISIN BRAN!” It’s easiest to skip over all that and just let them have it right away.
They absolutely won’t tell all their deer friends that you are a reliable source of cereal. No, they’ll go away and never come back.
After that, your day will be pretty uneventful, until 12:22 PM. At that point your left foot will fall off. You might want to set an alarm on your watch so that you notice it and pick it up. There’s always the risk that you won’t notice and will just keep on walking, and by the time to realize that you’re missing a foot, you’ll be so far from where you lost it that you’ll never find it again. Sure, you can try putting up “LOST: A FOOT” signs around the neighborhood, but you’ll soon realize that you don’t have a good recent picture of it. You’ll be stuck using a picture from the 1970′s when your foot had a huge afro and silly sunglasses and looked completely different.
There’s no chance anyone would recognize it from that picture. Best to just remember to keep an eye out for it at 12:22. Oh, and get some more recent photos of your feet while you’re at it, just in case we’re not around the next time you lose one of them.
Some time between 4:50 PM and 5:05 PM (we said we were super-accurate, we never claimed to be 100% super ultra hyper accurate. That’s not even a real thing that you can be. Superultrahyper? You just made that up) you’ll get a certified letter telling you that you have already won a brand new, fully loaded 2006 Ford Explorer, and all you have to do is pick it up.
Don’t fall for that. There is no such car as a “Ford Explorer.” They probably just want your money or social security number or credit report. Luckily they made such an obvious mistake that they probably won’t take anyone else in with their identity theft scheme, but we felt we’d better warn you just in case. Better safe than dead, that’s what we always say.
At around 6:15 PM you’ll fall asleep while driving home. Miraculously, you’ll make it home alive and without a single fender bender. Congratulations! You’ll sleep in your car until tomorrow morning, when you won’t be woken up by deer looking for Corn Flakes.
Hope you liked that free sample. Don’t forget the part where you send us money!