Ok, it’s time to spit out some confessions. Normally I’d ramble on about how it’s cleansing my soul of impurities and removing stubborn soap scum from my aorta, but I’m not going to go into all that. I’d also usually explain how this deep soul cleansing can be yours for three low payments of only $29.95, and give you an address to send your money to, but once again I’m going to skip all that.

The important thing here are my confessions, not how many millions of dollars I can make from helping you people reach everlasting salvation and get to play air hockey with Jesus Christ himself up in heaven.

My confessions. Lies I’ve told, and bad things I did:

1. The Grape Nuts I gave you last month had spilled out on my kitchen floor beforehand. The cat may have licked some of them before I put them back in the box to give to you.
2. Despite what I told Sara the other day, Aqua Teen Hunger Force is not based on a true story of crime-fighting fast food.
3. Techno music does not damage your spleen in and of itself.
4. I was the person who hid the sock puppet inside the Torah. I figured it would help keep him warm. Poor cold little sock puppet.
5. Hanson did not really play my 28th birthday party.
6. I was born with five breasts.
7. The stuffed animal collection in my bedroom that I’ve always said belonged to an ex-girlfriend who left me? That’s not true. They really belonged to an ex-girlfriend who is buried in my backyard.
8. My favorite kind of chocolate is 60% dark, not 65% dark.
9. Sometimes I poop.
10. Sometimes I wish I was unable to fly.
11. Sometimes it seems like you don’t have a partner.
12. Sometimes it seems like my only friend is the city I live in.
13. Sometimes you have to surrender to the flowbee.
14. Sometimes the Grape Nuts hold the secret to life.
15. I only pretend to like shrimp so that I can get free shrimp at parties.
16. Two plus two is never five. Sorry for convincing you that it was.

Wow. I’ve done a lot that I need to confess for. I’ll have to save some for another day when my fingers aren’t bloody stumps. Stay tuned for more exciting confessional action!

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