Using Deodorant and Smelling Better (For Smelly People)
Deodorant is an important part of your place in society. If you skip an application, or if you never apply it to your body, those who must work in close quarters with you will (understandably) find your stench offensive and will attempt to limit their contact with you to the absolute minimum amount of time necessary.
Because of this, we have prepared this primer in the use of deodorant. Even if you’ve never used it before, have no fear! This simple guide will ensure that you use your new deoderant correctly and that you are able to apply it without incident. If you follow these instructions carefully, you will soon become a deodorant master. You may even be able to start teaching others the secrets of deodorant application!
First, you need to acquire deodorant. While your terrible body odor may make social interaction difficult, a little interaction will be required to obtain the deodorant for the first time. You may want to take a shower on the day that you plan to go deodorant shopping, in an attempt to minimize your offensiveness. Many layers of clothing may also help in keeping most of your smell from escaping to where others can smell it.
Once you are sufficiently swaddled in smell-enclosing clothing, you should take a trip to a store that sells deodorant. Your local grocery store or 7-11 would both be excellent choices. Use any brand. It doesn’t really matter at this point. After you smell less terrible, you may start experimenting with different scents. That is an expert level of deodorant usage that is beyond the scope of this tutorial, however.
The next step is to obtain a drafting compass, the kind that you used back in elementary school to draw perfect circles. Hold your left arm up over your head. Now put the point of the compass exactly in the center of your armpit, where the end of the arm bone meets the shoulder. Set the other point of the compass at 1.5 inches, and you can now draw a circle that is 3″ in diameter, exactly half above this joint and half below. The area of skin inside this three-inch circle represents the area of skin that should have deodorant applied.
Whether you actually draw a circle on your skin or just remember where the circle is is up to you. We recommend drawing it on your skin when you first do this, and later you may be able to rely on your memory. Eventually you should be able to do with without using the compass at all!
You should now open the deodorant that you purchased at the store. There may be a plastic insert on the stick; it is essential that you remove this and dispose of it before applying the deodorant. Failure to do so can lead to bloody gashes in your armpits from the sharp plastic stick protector. If you apply deodorant properly, there should be only minimal bleeding. If there is enough bleeding that you become light-headed, you have probably done it wrong, and should consult a medical expert as soon as possible.
If you successfully removed any protective devices from the deodorant, you should now be able to see the deodorant substance itself. Place it within the circle that you charted earlier, and rub it back and forth until the underarm surface is completely covered.
If this is the first time applying deodorant to your body, you may want to go overboard and use half a stick on each armpit. Maybe even go ahead and spread it all over your body, just to be safe and get other potentially smelly areas.
If the deodorant you bought is a spray type, you’ll have to wait for the follow-up article that explains that type. We probably should have specified which type to get several paragraphs ago, so you wouldn’t be in this predicament. Sorry about that. Nothing you can do about it now but wait around in your apartment, making the place smell like undeodoranted armpit, until we get around to writing part two.
If all went well, you should now smell significantly better. You can now enjoy many of the benefits that modern society has to offer, from soliciting prostitutes to not getting kicked out of restaurants for smelling too nasty.
If you have any additional questions, please feel free to leave them in the comments box below, and a deodorant expert will get back to you as soon as possible.