I’m a Cowboy. On a Steel Horse. And So On.
I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive
Those lines describe me so perfectly, it’s as if Jon Bon Jovi himself came to me one night while I was sleeping, put me under anaesthesia, opened up my skull, and looked at a cross-section of my brain under a microscope to find out what makes me tick.
The only difference is that I’m not actually a cowboy, I’m a janitor. But I’ve often called myself the Cowboy of the Mop, for reasons that I’m not ready to go into in public. And don’t be fooled by the rumors and allegations, that mop was totally old enough to consent to whatever we were doing that I’m not going to go into right now.
I also don’t have a steel horse. I don’t even have a car. But I have seen cars before, riding down the street like some kind of metallic horse. And I rode in one last year, which must be what Bon Jovi is singing about there.
I’m also not wanted by the law or anything like that, so the “wanted dead or alive” line isn’t meant to be literal. I think he’s saying that all the women in my life who have wanted me haven’t really cared if it was when I was alive or when I was dead. So the “wanting” in the chorus is not referring to law enforcement, but rather to other people in my life who don’t care if I’m alive or dead. It’s a brilliant line when you look at it that way.
Let’s turn now to the verses.
It’s all the same, only the names will change
Ah yes, referencing my frequent wishes to change my name from Humphrey Snugglebottom to something a little more masculine. I was thinking of Ace Dagger, but I don’t want to scare people off.
Every day it seems we’re wasting away
I’m trying to cut down on my waste, but then, every day, there it is: more waste. Bon Jovi really does know me like nobody else.
Another place where the faces are so cold
And, sure enough, they know all about how I’m always hanging out at the morgue, looking for loose change in the peoples’ pockets or on their eyes. Did you know that putting pennies on someone’s eyes really only attracts homeless people looking for spare change, and doesn’t really hold their eyes shut so they don’t wake up after they’re dead and freak out because, hey, what’s going on, wasn’t I just dead?
I’d drive all night just to get back home
And I do. Well, I don’t drive because I don’t have a car, but some nights when I’m walking home I get so lost that I don’t get there until morning. Sometimes not even until a few days later. Boy is that a tough one to explain to the boss. “Sorry boss, I forgot how to get home again.” Oh, wait, it’s not that tough. That’s pretty much all I have to say and she accepts it. She’s very pretty that way.
Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you’re alone all you do is think
My bottles never tell me the time of day, no matter how often I ask (and trust me, it’s almost constantly) so I’m not sure what this verse is about. Since it’s not literally about my life, there must be some hidden meaning in there that I’m missing. I guess that’s what Teddy meant when he said “sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”
I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I liked El Mariachi so much the first time around, I remade it again as Desperado. When I show up at Elliott’s door with my guitar case filled with guitar-shaped guns, the audience just doesn’t know what to expect.
Then you have the line that means the most to me,
I’ve seen a million faces an I’ve rocked them all
YES! RAWK! I rocked those faces so hard, they filed police reports claiming aggravated assault and battery. They had the proof, too, because I had rocked their faces so hard that they were heavily bruised and bloody. But I had the last laugh, because the power of ROCK showed up and kicked them in their buttocks when they weren’t looking. Don’t you dare say that rock doesn’t have the power to do that, because I’ll punch you in the face if you try.
And there you have it. My life through song. Thank you Bon Jovi for telling the world about what a misunderstood janitor I am.