Toronto
Took a quick visit up to Toronto over the weekend, and let me say, that’s one weird place. I’m thrilled to be back home.
For those of you who’ve never been to Toronto, I’m not sure if words can do it justice, but I’ll give it a shot. Photographs of the city are forbidden, for obvious reasons. I’ve been Googling around trying to see if anyone has managed to smuggle out any Torontonian photos, but haven’t found any yet, so you’ll just have to rely on my descriptions.
- The Streets. The streets of Toronto are so wide, many Americans often mistake them for parking lots. The average street is about 250 feet wide. This can make it hard to figure out where on the street you are, and where you should be if you want to turn onto another street. I got into so many near-accidents because I had to race 100 feet to the side to try to make a turn. I think it’s best to just use public transportation rather than try to deal with their wacky wide streets as a tourist.
- Public Transportation. Toronto has brought the zeppelin back from the transportation graveyard and are using a fleet of zeppelins as a mass transit solution within the city and its suburbs. It takes some getting used to, but the ride is very smooth and you never run into traffic jams. During the entire weekend I was there I never saw a single zeppelin explosion or accident, so obviously it’s an extremely safe and reliable form of transportation. I plan on writing my governor and seeing if I can talk my state into adopting it as well. “Dear Governor. I like zeppelins. Please place more of them in our skies. Unleaded, please. Thank you so much!”
- Units of measurement. Toronto uses what they call the “metric system” to measure things that we would measure normally down here. For example, while I might say that “streets in Toronto are 250 feet wide,” Torontonians might say, “3 meters is aboot right, eh?” You should be able to find an American-to-Canadian dictionary at the border, but even with one of those it’s still not easy to understand what they’re talking about. Your best bet is not to try to talk to them at all. This is generally the best strategy even without the metric system, because they’re a violet, gun-toting society. People get their heads blown off just for not having exact change for the zeppelin, so you really need to be careful up there.
- Weather. The weather in Toronto is a lot like the weather throughout the rest of Canada. In other words, it’s usually hot and dry and not able to sustain human life. On the plus side, Wednesdays are called Raindays in Canadian, because that’s the day of the week when they receive torrential downpours (often at the rate of 7 hectares per kilosecond.) If you plan on visiting Toronto, make sure your visit includes a Wednesday so that you have a chance to re-moisten your supplies and undrought yourself.
I hope this has been educational. I’m sorry I didn’t have time to start describing Toronto’s world famous “hot dog midgets” and their “fleas of fire”, but I assume pretty much everyone already knows about them. I’ll just say that they totally lived up to my expectations, and even exceeded them in some categories (the quintuple mustard backflip was truly a life-changing event).
In conclusion, I would not recommend that you visit Toronto. It’s a violent, dangerous, unhumid and unmoist city, and most Americans are too soft and coddled to survive. But, if you’ve been watching Survivor and think you’re up for a challenge, it will certainly be able to challenge you. When Jeff Probst shows up, just tell him you’re a tourist and not part of the game, otherwise you might not be allowed back on the tour bus.
Did I say tour bus? Silly me. Tour busses would never attempt to brave the wilds of Toronto. You’re going to need a mule and a guide, and hope that neither are taken out by snipers at the city limits.
Anyway, sorry, I was wrapping things up a few paragraphs ago, and now here I am scaring tourists away. I must commit ritual suicide for my poorly structured post. It was nice knowing you all.