Evil Lurking February. It’s Danger Time.
There’s something very wrong about a month that only has 28 days. It’s unnatural, like french kissing a snail. But more than that, there’s also something evil about it. Like french kissing a snail with little devil horns and a small homemade thermonuclear device in its backpack.
But that’s February for you, a strange and creepy and slimy month. Now that the last day of the month is here, I’m on my way to NORAD in a desperate attempt to stay safe from whatever wrath February 28th manages to unleash upon our cities and countrysides and everywhere in between. If only the word “city” and the word “countryside” could be combined in a Jabberwockesque portmanteau that would descibe those in-between areas in a brilliant and precise way. Oh well. Can’t win ‘em all.
I left a voicemail with NORAD letting them know I’d be coming up for my annual visit, so hopefully everything will go smoothly. Every now and then my message isn’t properly passed through the chain of command, and I’m stuck outside the gate while the guard calls his boss who calls his boss, while I’m standing their eating an apple in the universal pose of “let me in already, don’t you know it’s February 28th?”
So far I’ve always made it in. And only one of those times prompted the Joint Chiefs of Staff to raise the military to DEFCON 3. Boy, that was an exciting one. Have you ever tried to explain how the month of February is naturally unnatural while being beaten with a phone book? If so, you might have a good idea of how that February 28th went for me. I have high hopes that this year will go more smoothly.
This year I’m also bringing Mardi Gras beads so I can decorate NORAD’s war room. Every year when I’m there, I keep thinking that it’s missing something. Something fun and nudity-inducing. Something that will keep their spirits up as the 28th of the month freakishly turns into the 1st of another month overnight. This year I think Mardi Gras beads are the answer. Much like New Orleans, I intend to flood my roommates with the dirty, polluted water of fear-tainted celebration. Will they be able to get the taint out of their hair? We can only hope.
Hopefully everything will work out and the world will survive another February 28th. If so, I will return tomorrow with more exciting tidbits from this dark soup life. If not, I will return when the United States is once again safe to inhabit. If you are an attractive female between the ages of 18 and 30 and would like to help me repopulate the planet after a devastating February 28th, please send your contact information, photos, measurements, favorite type of soup, and DNA sample to february.repopulation@darksoup.com, or leave your qualifications below.
Thanks, and may God have mercy on us all.