Typical St. Patrick’s Day, Plus Ice Cream
I have a yearly St. Patrick’s Day tradition. I know it upsets everyone, but I like to spend St. Patrick’s Day perfoming an a cappella rendition of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata everywhere I go. I try not to stop, but I usually have to take a break for a minute or two for some water or cocaine to keep me going.
The best part about it is people’s reactions. Most cheer loudly and throw their underwear at me, like you’d expect. Some throw cans of Guinness at my ears. I don’t quite get that. I don’t drink through my ears! I guess they figure that since my mouth is busy singing, I need to get the beer into my body through some other way, and the ears are as good a beer intake system as any. That makes sense. I don’t know if it works, though. I’ll have to try that next time it comes up.
So, yeah, those are the reactions you’d expect, with the undergarments and the beer.
But then you have the people that react strangely. Some shoot me with rifles as if I was a stray quail or Tony Soprano. Some people stick ice cream cones in my mouth while I’m singing. Some people try to join in with their own harmonies, which I’ll generously describe as “unique” and “awesome.”
Some people try to podcast my performances to the Internet, not realizing that my voice is unpodcastable. Some people throw lightning bolts at my fingers, but I’m always able to catch them and toss them back before they burn my hair. Some people slice my feet off, but I’m always able to reattach them before my feet wind up in my hair.
Some people give me cancer. Cancer! Just for singing some Beethoven in public on St. Patrick’s Day! I usually return the favor by giving them polio. Sometimes it becomes a big disease-ridden tennis match, with both of us going back and forth and inflicting one disease after another on each other. At the end it’s usually a draw, and we both have a good laugh over the whole thing.
You may ask why I keep singing like this on St. Patrick’s Day if that’s how people treat me. Well, that’s just the way I roll, sucka. I roll with my homies singing classical music. Straight gangsta.