Ever need to get someplace in a hurry? Or get there fast? Or maybe even quickly?

Sure, we’ve all been there, done that, gotten the postcard, and sent it to a random stranger in the hopes that they would fall madly in love with us. But I don’t think anyone has ever really tried to list out the most useful ways of getting some place quickly, in easy-to-read handwriting such as this. So, let me begin.

1. Running. Running can get you somewhere pretty quickly, but really it’s not that fast at all. Maybe 5 or 6 miles per hour? Yeah, I’ll concede that it’s faster than walking, and infinitely faster than sitting on a chair and not moving at all, but there are many things even faster than running. Now, if you’re a cheetah-human hybrid, then this does not apply to you. And President Bush would like to have a word with you about that. I don’t think he’s a big fan of your work.
2. Sitting In a Chair and Not Moving At All. You haven’t been paying attention, have you? This is one of the slowest forms of travel around.
3. Commercial Airline Flight. Now we’re talking. Hundreds of miles an hour, in relative comfort, at least compared to being sardined in Pablo’s trunk as he bounces his way across the border with twenty other people. On the downside, you have the mandatory naked public cavity searches, the two hour line to get your cavity search, and the fat guy sitting next to you whose fat spills out onto your lap and traps your right arm against the seat for the entire flight. Those are some big (no pun intended, fat man) negatives. You do get a little bag of peanuts or pretzels, though.
4. Private Plane. Sure, you could rent a Cessna 172 for $100 an hour and fly wherever you want with no security line at 120 knots or so, outrunning all but the fastest cheetah-humans. On the negative side, you miss out on the cavity searches and lap blubber courtesy of the person next to you. Most air travellers don’t want to give up those luxuries.
5. Catapult. Get in the catapult, and pay someone to light the other end. Professional catapult fuse lighters generally charge around $50 per light. This is generally only useful over short distances, although this year’s models feature some extremely high-powered catapults that claim to be able to reach distances of 40 to 50 miles, at the expense of some bruising and possible loss of life in the process. A very fast way to travel, though.
6. Car. Cars are so 1920′s, I don’t know anyone who would be willing to be seen in one in public these days. Having said that, they are sometimes capable of relatively high transportation speeds, with some of the more expensive models reaching 4 acres per hour. The downside, obviously, is being laughed at by everyone because you’re driving in a car. How uncool can you get?
7. Become Gigantic. This is the way to go, really. First grow to a rediculous size. Most people recommend somewhere in the vicinity of 5,000 feet tall. At this point, your stride is long enough that you can walk places at your normal speed, but your legs will be so long that you will get to your destination in no time at all. Downsides? None. Upsides? Lots.

I hope this helps you get places. If it did, let me know. If you think I missed out on anything, let me know. If you prefer running for mayor over getting somewhere quickly, well, you can let me know, but this might not be the right forum to express your mayoral aspirations. Try next door.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 27th, 2006 at 5:43 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.