Beautiful Day, Staying Inside For Obvious Reasons
It’s a beautiful day outside today. 72 degrees, low humidity, and very little chance of being hit in the face with a pie. How perfect is that?
But I’m still sitting around inside. Why is that? Well, I’ll tell you, since you asked.
The outdoors is full of people. Loud, smelly, uncoordinated people who walk right into me for no reason. I can’t drive more than one block without some lumpy crazy person smashing into my car with their forehead. I don’t know how the rest of you do it, all this being outside so often. It’s just not something I can deal with.
And then you always run the risk of walking down the wrong street in a shady part of down and being confronted with pumping techno music, through a billion-watt sound system. If that doesn’t make the people crash into you even more often, you’ve obviously got some futuristic force field around you, and I want one too. Send me one of your force fields! Why are you always holding out on me?
And then you have the other alleys, where you’re liable to get your feet washed by a mob of religious foot-washers. They huddle in the doorways, in the shadows, totally silent, like a mute ninja. And then when you least expect it, they jump you, hold you down, slice your shoes open, and scrub your feet clean.
And, while having clean feet is something that’s a new experience for us all, and kind of on the neat side, they don’t need to be that rough about it. And since they’re religious, they’re just extra smelly and extra lumpy, and their foreheads are always glistening with the blood of their victims. Just because Jesus did it doesn’t mean you have to assault me with your cruel and unusual brand of interpersonal hygeine!