If you elect me as President, I’ll change a few things about this country. Nothing drastic, mind you, I would hate for us to turn out to be a second-rate Canada or something equally depressing. But there’d be a few changes around here.

1. Redesign the Presidential web site. It’s so boring. It’s like a governmental web site filled with boring talk about boring subjects and boring graphics of flags and old white guys. I think the obvious solution is to take the lead of other web sites and make it look more like Myspace. If the United States government web pages all had nasty-looking background graphics with impossible to read fonts and 6 different songs playing at once, it would really get those youngsters involved in civics and public service. I’m sure 13-year-old Ashley has a brilliant solution for fixing the country’s foreign policy, if only there was a web-based outlet for her to explain it to the government. I’m assuming it involves Britney Spears and whoever wins this season of American Idol spreading peace and music throughout the world, which would be totally awesome.
2. I think we need to let women go to sporting events. Everyone else is doing it, so why can’t we? I know they all pretend not to care about sports, but any armchair psychologist could tell you that they’re just in denial: if they were allowed to go to a baseball game, their facade of not liking it would be gone in an instant. Obviously this will require building larger sporting arenas because the crowd would be twice as large, but I think it’s worth it. If it’s good for Iran, it has to be good for us, right?
3. Unplug the Internet. This Internet thing has gone on way past its prime. Now it’s just a sad imitation of its former self, and that’s not good for anyone. The Internet is embarrassing itself, and the rest of the world has to be embarrassed just by seeing the Internet acting the way it is. You all know it’s the kind thing to do. If I was President, I’d actually go through with it.

Now you all know why you should vote for me, so go out and do it already. Thank you.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 25th, 2006 at 5:21 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.