Your Future: Flip a Coin
Flip a coin. Do it now, I’ll wait. Don’t you dare skip ahead without flipping a coin. Done? Good.
Now, the results of that flip will tell us a great deal about your future. Also, the type of coin you picked tells us a lot about yourself:
- Quarter, Heads: There is a strong likelihood that when you wake up tomorrow morning, all of your pets will be slightly older than they used to be. Do not be alarmed. This is normal operation of the newly revised time-space continuum. You should have gotten a postcard in the mail explaining all of this already, but based on that coin flip, I’m guessing that you didn’t.
- Quarter, Tails: Your lucky number on Friday will be 4, except between 7:00 and 9:00 pm, when it will be 12. These numbers will only work on Friday! Don’t call me on Saturday and say they didn’t work, because I’ll be in the shed making a gingerbread house!
- Dime, Heads: You should stay away from staplers for the next week. I’m not saying that they’re going to turn on you and try to stage a revolution; I’m just saying that it would be best if you stayed clear of any staplers. Read into it whatever you want.
- Dime, Tails: You should stay away from David Blaine for the next week. I’m not saying that he’s going to turn on you and try to stage a magic revolution or try to levitate your head away from the rest of your body; I’m just saying that it would be best if you stayed clear of David Blaine. Read into it whatever you want.
- Nickel, Heads: In your time of greatest need, when your chin stubble becomes too great for any one person to handle, an apple farmer will knock on your door. Do not answer the door. Apples are not the solution to your problems at this time. (NOTE: He may also ring your doorbell. Don’t take that as a reason to open the door for him just because he didn’t knock. Don’t be a jerk about this.)
- Nickel, Tails: You will have a sudden craving for beet juice within the next three days. Do not deny your cravings.
- Penny, Heads: You will find a penny on the ground today. It may bear more than a passing similarity with the penny that you just flipped. Don’t let that trick you; it’s a totally different penny. If it starts in on its tale of “I was just in your pocket and you just flipped me, don’t you recognize me?” you should put duct tape over its mouth and spend it as soon as possible.
- Penny, Tails: Llamas are eating your flower garden. You need to rush out there and deal with that and get off of the Internet. Maybe switch those: get off of the Internet first and then rush out there? I’ll leave the details up to you.
- Quatrung, Alpha-side: Your gleebrops are thirsty. Are you sure you wettened them sufficiently at the last moonrise? You better double-check before their brain pistons crumble away from dehydration. Maybe review the gleebrop training video one more time. You can never be too careful.
- Quatrung, Beta-side: I have nothing to tell you that you don’t already know. You are all-knowing, all-seeing, and all-shrithing. Your gaze emparts warmth and delicious gamma radiation on all that you see. Your touch can heal a sick gleebrop or destroy a rabid bunthor, based solely on your wishes. I want to be your friend.