I love get rich quick schemes. They let you become quite wealthy without spending too much of your time on it. If you had to choose between getting rich quickly and working for 40 years to get rich, which one would you choose? I’ll give you two minutes to work out your answer. Eyes on your own paper, mister!

I hope you aren’t one of those odd people who believe in zany things like a strong work ethic and not getting things for nothing. If you are, you might want to turn your computer off right now, because this update is probably not for you. No, I’m writing this for the average human being, who would be more than happy to get rich quick without doing any hard work. I’m also writing this for my new puppy dog, because he’s so cute with his tail and his furry fur, so I’m sure he’d like to become rich so he can spend all his time perfecting his cuteness.

The first step is to get some venture capital, as it’s called by important rich guys. You need to start talking like someone with a lot of money if you’re going to become one of them. You never hear homeless people talking about venture capital, do you? That’s because they don’t have the mindset of the rich person yet. If they just started using terms like “junk bond” and “subordinating floating mortgage” and “venture capital disbursement opportunities,” they’d be rich and in a home in no time.

The easiest way to acquire venture capital is by fishing dollar bills out of garbage cans. This doesn’t work so well at McDonald’s; not only are the dollar bills smeared with ketchup and special sauce, but there just aren’t that many dollar bills in the trash at McDonald’s as at other places. Figuring out why that’s the case will have to be the topic of somebody else’s research paper, I’m too busy actually finding dollar bills to work on that myself.

I’ve found that the best places to go for trash can dollars are government offices. The government is incredibly wasteful, and throws out thousands of dollars a day. And because of all the rules and regulations that the government has to obey, government garbage can dollars are always neatly stored in approved envelopes and clearly marked with the denomination, year, and serial number before being placed in the garbage. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Well, it gets a little better. If you can gain access to a military installation, do it. The amount of money they throw out is nearly 100 times greater than civilian branches of the government, as to be in line with their astronomical budgets. However, their garbage money envelopes are not clearly labeled; instead, you would need access to the 350-page regulations book to decode their markings. In addition, the military rooms with garbage cans that are approved for money disposal are well-secured. Maybe it’s a retinal scanner, or a badge reader, or an old guy who should have retired 10 years ago sitting in a chair and pointing his gun at anything that he sees. Whatever the case, the huge amount of money available in military trash cans is usually not worth the headaches and gunshot injuries that you need to put up with to get to it. If you have special access to those military rooms, by all means go for it. Send me a few extra trash can dollars while you’re at it, I won’t mind. But for the average American or illegal immigrant, it’s best to just stick with the government offices.

Once you’ve collected several million dollars in venture capital from garbage cans, you can proceed to step two. Step two is to retire, because you’re done! That’s right, we put the qui in get rich quick. It’s a simple one step process to become disgustingly rich.

If this worked out for you, you should consider sending me some of your money. It’s only fair. I’ve taken all this time out of my busy schedule of dumpster diving for dollar bills to write up this proven guide to wealth for you. That’s a concrete loss of my revenue stream for the two weeks that I’ve been writing, editing, and perfecting this article (any typos were therefore intentional, and just because you don’t know why they’re there doesn’t mean that there isn’t a reason behind them; I’m like God that way). You should definitely think about compensating me for my time, because of all the wealth I’m bringing you at my own expense. You don’t want me to start nasty rumors about you on the bathroom wall, do you? I have the power. My marker set came yesterday. All the colors of the rumor-spreading graffiti rainbow. So beautiful.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 17th, 2006 at 12:00 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.