Tonight’s Final Two
It’s all come down to this. Tonight we have the final battle between those last two great entities. They have defeated all other contenders, and now those two stand alone. Tonight they do battle for the last time. There can be only one winner, and the other will be sacrificed to the Gods to improve our harvest this year.
Yes, tonight we witness the final battle between Internet and BITNET.
I couldn’t get tickets. I tried standing in line. When that failed, I tried scalpers. When that failed, I tried standing on the highway with a cardboard sign around my neck saying “GIVE ME A TICKET.” But it didn’t work out. Tonight I sit at home, relegated to watching the battle on pay-per-view on a small black and white television. It is one of the saddest days of my life.
But also one of the greatest days, because I will be able to say “I saw that battle live” to my grandchildren. They will look up at me in awe and try to stick their fingers in my nose to get a little touch of the greatness that is me. I will laugh at their feeble attempts and call them names, and there will be much rejoicing.
Let’s look at the two contenders a little closer, shall we?
BITNET is slow but steady. Your listserv messages will show up eventually.
Internet is fast but unreliable. Your files can’t always hang on at those ridiculous speeds that Internet runs at. Your American Idol episodes will show up missing all the melisma and pitchiness that makes it unwatchable — or will it have double amounts of those? Your porn will show up without the naughty bits, as they’ll have blown off due to being forced through the network at such ludicrous speeds. Or will other people’s porn’s naughty bits have blown onto your porn, leading to traumatizing, retina-burning nightmare images? It’s all a big gamble, really.
Speaking of the word “really,” BITNET has a RELAY, and it is good.
Internet has an IRC, and it is full of stupid people.
BITNET has no Myspace, and all is well.
Internet has a Myspace, and it is a loud and painful village filled with frightening 14-year-olds.
I think the winner is obvious, and it will be an embarrassingly one-sided fight tonight. But I’m not counting Internet out yet. Stranger things have happened. Like the time I watched American Idol without vomiting on my cat. That was odd and disconcerting, and my cat had to respond by not clawing my eyes out. It was such a boring day that I cried myself to sleep. Bad times.
But whatever happens, this will still be an event to remember. One for the history books, as they say in the history book planning offices.
Let’s get ready to rumble! Oops, that’s not copyrighted or anything is it? Pretend I didn’t just say that, ok? Thanks.