The DVD you have just inserted of recent boring box office flop is encrypted and copy-protected. In order to be granted permission to view it, you must first answer a short series of questions concerning the socio-economic causes of the War of 1653, primarily focusing on the barbeque chicken needs of the peasant classes. Assuming you are able to achieve a perfect score on those questions — and trust us, they’re not hard — you will get to proceed to round two.

Round two involves re-proving Fermat’s Last Theorem. Show all work. If your proof is found to borrow too heavily from the currently published proof, your DVD playing device will explode in a shower of movie particulate and toxic molten plastic. Because of this it is extremely important that you are sure of your proof before submitting it for grading by this protected disc.

After proving the theorem, you will then be asked to point your webcam at your room and perform a carefully choreographed series of dance moves to a jazz fusion piece of music to be chosen at random from a collection of 350 preselected tunes. Some of you may be more familiar with the earlier version of this copy protection algorithm, which used one of three pop songs for the dance moves. Well, the dances wound up published on the Internet, completely defeating this stage of our authenticity protection strategy. Moving to longer, more complex songs, and having a larger collection of those songs to choose from, will mitigate this vulnerability and allow us to provide you with only the best in DVD content protection.

After the dance contest there’ll be a staring contest. Don’t blink, or bad things will happen to your DVD.

After that, you will be free to watch your movie! Note that if you stop or pause the movie for any reason, any or all of these steps may need to be repeated. After you watch it once, the disc will self-destruct to prevent you from accidentally copying it in the future. If you leave the disc exposed to air and/or the vacuum of space for more than three hours, the disc may begin its self destruct sequence. If the disc enters its self-destruct sequence prematurely, please call the phone number printed on the inside of the disc (yes, it’s a code, you’ll need to solve it to obtain the number) and someone will be glad to assist you in extinguishing the napalm-like fire that will be spreading throughout your home.

Enjoy the movie! Remember, downloading movies is like murdering nuns! Thanks, kids!

This entry was posted on Monday, June 12th, 2006 at 10:18 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.