Meat Hard Drives
There are a number of advantages to building hard drives out of raw meat, and I don’t understand why the computer industry does not embrace this technology. I think if I can convince Bill Gates or Steve Jobs to include better operating system support for meat drives, that will encourage more widespread consumer adoption. I think that right now people know that meat drives are superior, but are a little wary of jumping into cutting edge technology out of fear of a black planet. Or fear of insufficient software support. I get those two mixed up all the time.
In case you aren’t convinced about the benefits of using hard drives made out of meat, let me try to convince you. If, after reading this, you still aren’t convinced, then you are undoubtedly inhuman. Maybe your immortal soul was misplaced, and you’ll be forever walking into automatic sliding doors that won’t open for you. I don’t know all the details; I’ll leave that to the soul experts. All I know is the unconvinced among you are evil, terrible people.
The primary advantage to a raw meat storage device is that it makes the computer more organic and personable. A cold metallic platter isn’t the kind of place that you want to store your data, unless it’s cold data. It’s like those new Apple commercials: if you have a Windows computer, it is only capable of boring pie charts and accounting. If you want to do anything creative with a computer, it must be a Macintosh, for only they are capable of handling right-brain tasks. That’s due to the trace amounts of orphan marrow that Apple uses on their circuit boards; it provides the necessary human component that allows their computers to be used in the creation of creative works of art.
Using a meat drive gives the same advantage to all types of computers, only more so. The meat drives don’t even need to be made out of humans, since any type of animal’s meat will provide enough of an organic aura to let the computers reach new levels of artistic expression.
Another advantage of the meat drives is the ability to eat the hard drive if you’re starving to death and have no other source of nutrition. Maybe you’re stranded out in the desert, or you accidentally joined the cast of Survivor or Spongebob Squarepants. Simply pull the meat out of the hard drive enclosure, and enjoy! If you use the hard drive for 30-45 minutes before eating, it will be nicely warmed and very tasty.
Don’t tell anyone, but my future plans for becoming rich are flavored and seasoned hard drives. Why choose a plain vanilla hard drive when you can buy my mesquite barbeque one? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Obviously there are billions of other reasons, but I’m running out of room to describe them all, partially because the storage in this computer is not made of out meat. Don’t look at me that way, I’m not really a hypocrite. I’d prove it to you, but I need to be somewhere soon and don’t have time. See? There’s a perfectly good explanation.