The Paisley Menace
The paisley people, they complicate everything. They puncture your speech balloons with the needle-tips of their thoughts. They scare away your neighbors with their insidious crawling vines of viral ideas.
Don’t you understand? If we don’t put a stop to it right now, the paisley people will dissolve the very walls of your home. They will eat away at your plumbing the way a fat, hungry man will eat a chocolate cake. Look away, for it is a sight that should not be seen by mortal human eyes.
Don’t feed them peanuts. Don’t let them tear up your Sunday paper just because they’re still upset about Snoopy being cancelled. They don’t understand reason. How could reasonable thought ever penetrate their paisley skulls? The very paisley pattern that makes them so difficult to look at gives them a natural defense against new ideas. Their very shading rejects your rationality.
It’s a hard world we live in, and this is just one example of that.
Don’t be scared. Don’t succumb to their economic theories that a brown-headed cowbird will swoop down from the sky one day and adjust the interest rate in such a perfect way that all war, sadness, hunger, and depression are eradicated around the planet. I don’t believe in the cowbird, and you shouldn’t either.
If you let those ideas get a foothold in the thought bubble of your mind, your thought bubbles could be punctured as quickly as they puncture your speech bubbles. Bubbles of all kind are their enemies, because of the way they reflect their paisleyality. The key is that it’s not a pure reflection; it’s colored by the rainbow-slicked bubble to give a perverse rainbow paisley image that sickens everyone, even the paisley people themselves.
Sure, it’s a possible defense against them. But who’s going to work on it? The government? Please. They’re actually afraid of losing the paisley vote. And then once the whaling industry starts in on the value of the spears the paisley factories make, it’s all over. Government always folds to the corporation.
In this case it’s not so much a corporation as an unorganized group of pirate-like fishermen and whalers. But that’s just semantics. What else is a corporation but a rag-tag group of fishermen?
So we can’t rely on the government. We can’t rely on the media, they’re controlled by the government. We can’t rely on the police, they’re in the pocket of big whaling. We can’t call the Ghostbusters, because they’re a fictional group and unable to respond to real-life emergencies like this one. Trust me, I’ve tried.
I think it’s hopeless.
If you know of a way, let me know. Otherwise, I’m going to assume that it’s all lost. Forever. It makes me very sad, even a little blue.
People try to tell me that that’s life; that’s just the way the ball bounces, or the cookie crumbles, or the metaphor reacts with the rest of the sentence.
But I’ll never believe that.
I’ll always keep my faith that paisleyism could have been eradicated in our lifetime. A few more pledge drives, a few more telethons. Who knows what it would have taken.
I leave you with this request: please continue the fight. Please press on. We weren’t close at all, but at least we thought about starting. That counts for a lot around here. If you keep on thinking about doing something about it, one day… well… it’s hard to think about that. It brings bittersweet tears of joy to my eye. Sweet because of the sweet joy, but bitter because I won’t be around to see it.
I should stop now. My emotions are getting the best of me, and that’s no way to act on the Internet. Just give a little thought to continuing the fight. Thank you.