Make Me This Kimono
“Is it even possible to make a kimono out of nothing but lobsters, funny hats, and scalps from dwarves?”
That’s what the tailor asked me when I gave him the plans and sketches I had come up with and asked him to make me my dream kimono. Fool. How dare he ask me that. I sighed with exasperation at his incompetence at reading my handwriting, and swiftly corrected him:
“Sir, those are waffle cones dipped in chocolate, not funny hats. Are you even a real tailor?”
At this point he realized that the game was up. He was no tailor, for no real tailor would ever mistake ice cream cones for funny hats. He dropped the plans and dashed towards the rear of the store, hoping to make a getaway.
But I was prepared for this. False tailors always run. That’s the legend, and real life has proven the legend to be true. My sidekick was waiting behind his shop, and quickly tackled him. We handcuffed him with makeshift handcuffs constructed out of the plans for my kimono, and waited for the police to show up.
While we waited, he tried to trick us into releasing him: “Don’t you think the police are going to laugh at your flimsy homemade handcuffs? They aren’t going to arrest me at all ’cause they’ll be too busy laughing at you and your handcuffs.”
At this point we knew that we had no choice but to make a homemade ballgag out of duct tape, a Backstreet Boys CD, and lat week’s issue of U.S. News and World Report. He kept quiet after that, and was soon taken into custody. We pressed full charges, and now are just awaiting a fair and speedy trial by a jury of his fears.
Oops, I mean peers. I wonder what a jury of your fears would look like, though. Probably like something pretty scary, especially since they’d be all worked up about having to miss work and report for jury duty. I don’t think I want to find out how scary that would be.
Maybe a little less scary than a jury of your deer, though. I’m sure they’d be thrilled to finally get their deer revenge on you. Great, now I’m shaking and shivering and afraid to look in the jury room for fear of what might be in there. I’ll just stop thinking about scary juries altogether now, thank you very much.