Extremely Flat Pants
Have you seen how flat my pants are today? No?!? Oh my god, you have to get over here right away and gasp in awe at the extreme flatness of my pants. Isn’t that just the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen in your life? My secret to ridiculously flat pants? No! I will never share that! It’s not good karma to give out ancient family pant secrets in a public forum such as this, everybody knows that.
Well, I can give you a few small hints at keeping your existing pairs of pants relatively flat. None of these tips will get them anywhere close to the pure fractally zero flatness that you just saw on mine, but they will help prevent the random ridges and molehills from forming on your own pants.
First, only water them when the humidity is below 45% whenever the ambient temperature is above 76 degrees Fahrenheit. Unless it’s during the winter, in which case reverse those numbers and flip them.
Second, bathe your pants in kiwi juice once a month, preferably on the weekend. This relaxes the fibers where needed, and stiffens them wherever that would help maintain flatness. No one is really sure why, but the Rosstini Theorem speculates that it has something to do with microscopic obsessive compulsive molecules in the kiwi juice. Nobody has proven that yet, but nobody has managed to disprove it either. It sounds good to me.
Third, threaten them with an iron if they begin to get out of hand. You can’t actually iron them, because that would destroy their natural flatness, but threatening to use the iron is a good incentive for them to remain flat on their own. As with all of these methods, only use this in moderation. If you threaten the iron too frequently, your pants will begin to doubt that you will actually go through with it. If its too infrequent, they’ll forget about the looming iron threat. You need to strike the just right Goldilockseque balance.
I hope these tips have helped out a little bit. Feel free to come by and marvel at my flat pants if you ever need some inspiration, by the way. I’ll be wearing them most of the week. No touching!