Agnostic and Atheistic Dilution
I think the assimilation of atheists and agnostics into the cults that covet them is one of the most serious issues facing society today. Every day I hear about more and more people being mentally and spiritually abducted and taken away to a secret hidden basement where they’re forced to pray to Gods and Goddesses until they give in. Other times they apparently willingly give their souls over to God without any visible impetus. It is this latter group that I’d like to take a closer look at.
After doing some research and reading many police reports concerning these incidents, it appears that the agnostic dilution most often occurs when people find mysterious lumps in their pillows and start attributing those to a God-like being that lives in their pantry and put miniature whales into their pillows while they’re asleep. Or, sometimes (approximately 17% of the time), miniature lithographs of whales rather than miniature actual whales.
From the pantry dwellers to a belief in a God-like being that lives in the sky is just a short mental leap that most of them are still able to make. At this point they are completely convinced and quoting Christian Rock lyrics in all of their e-mails.
What causes the whaleish lumps in their pillows? I wish I knew. All of the known lumpy pillows had been destroyed or removed from the victims’ houses before an objective assessment could be performed on them.
I hate to call this a God conspiracy, because I think conspiracy theories are the work of Communists and clowns, and I hate to get involved with either group. However, I can find no other reasonable explanation. Therefore, I’m going to have to go with the theory of a vast conspiracy involving God, whales, pillow manufacturers, and pillow cleaners.
That brings up another question, namely why these groups all want to change so many people in this way. That will have to be a topic for another investigation. If anyone has any theories, please leave them below. I just wanted to get this out there before they realize that I’m on to them and start coming after me.
The truth is out there people, at least it is now that I’ve put it out there. Do not squander such lovingly bestowed truth and return to an unexamined life of mullets and flugelhorns. That is exactly what the Gods would want you to do. No, I want you to question your pillow cleaners. Not obviously, of course, but subtly. Don’t let them realize that you know what they’re doing.
If you see a whale in the street where there shouldn’t be one, don’t immediately raise a ruckus and throw your keys at it. Just keep watching it out of the corner of your eye, and immediately report any suspicious whale behavior to a professional. If you don’t know a professional, you can report the behavior in the comment form below. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to give it all the attention that a legitimate suspicious whale spotting deserves, but I can certainly do what I can.
Be safe out there.