Former President Taft, the Dog
Yes, it’s the long-awaited script to the hilarious family movie that raises important questions about presidents and dogs while it keeps the kids entertained with hilarity!
EXT. FRONT PORCH - DAY
FRITTER and PEFTINOTOP are sitting on their front porch,
sipping beers and looking off into the distance. It's a
ratty, run-down porch, but that's ok because Fritter and
Peftinotop are ratty and run-down human beings.
FRITTER
Hey, you see that dog over there in
the middle of the sidewalk?
PEFTINOTOP
Yeah, I think that's a dog I'm
looking at. Over there, kinda?
FRITTER
Yeah, that's the one. Do you think
that dog is President Taft
reincarnated as a dog, or do you
think he's just, you know, a
regular dog?
PEFTINOTOP
Gotta be just a dog. If it was
President Taft, wouldn't he be over
in Washington, DC where the
president would be?
FRITTER
No, 'cause he's not the president
any more, now he's a dog.
PEFTINOTOP
Yeah, I still think he'd want to be
sitting in the sidewalk in
Washington instead of out here,
wherever the hell it is that we
are.
FRITTER
I guess, maybe, but I've never been
good at politics. I guess dogs
know what they're doing with, you
know... politics.
PEFTINOTOP
Especially if it's a dog that used
to be President Taft. He'd know
what city he should be spending his
time in, what with being a former
president and all that.
FRITTER
You sure know your dogs and
presidents, Peftinotop.
PEFTINOTOP
Damn straight.
As they sat on their porch and watched, the dog eventually
wandered off down the sidewalk. Was it looking for a bone,
or for some important piece of legislation that it had
misplaced? We aren't sure yet.
INT. JOHNSON FAMILY LIVING ROOM - DAY
Little BILLY is sitting at his desk with an empty sheet of
paper in front of him. BILLY'S MOTHER steps into his doorway
and watches him not writing anything on the paper.
BILLY'S MOTHER
Aren't you supposed to be writing
your school report on President
Taft?
BILLY
I am, but I just don't know what to
say about him. What did he do?
It's not like he invaded Iraq or
invaded Alaska or invaded any kind
of cool place at all!
BILLY'S MOTHER
Now Billy, you know I can't tell
you what to write about. That's
your job to find out. You'll just
have to figure it out on your own.
BILLY
Gee whiz, mom...
Billy's Mom walks off down the hall, and Billy continues to
stare out the window, still knowing nothing about President
Taft.
Just then a dog walks past his window. Billy's eyes go wide,
and he immediately starts scribbling furiously on his paper,
looking up once in a while just to grab a quick glance at the
dog outside the window.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
It's several days later. MRS. APLIBBTON, Billy's teacher, is
standing at the front of the classroom, while Billy and his
classmates slowly make their way through the door and sit
down. There's a picture of a pineapple on one of the walls,
but aside from that the classroom walls are completely bare.
MRS. APLIBBTON
Ok, come on, hurry up. Everyone
get seated, I have some important
news for you all.
The students don't seem to hurry, but they do eventually all
reach their seats.
MRS. APLIBBTON
This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to our school.
One of you has written the absolute
best paper I've ever read in my
entire teaching career. Do you all
remember the report on President
Taft that I had you write last
week? Most of them were the usual
batch of garbage, but one of
them... well, I'm a little
speechless. It was really
something special, truly a great
work of art. Susan, would you
stand up, please?
SUSAN, a student sitting in front of Billy, stands up.
SUSAN
Yes?
MRS. APLIBBTON
Susan, your paper was absolutely
brilliant. I let several other
people read it, and every single
one of them has gotten a deeper and
richer understanding of President
Taft after reading it. You can
skip your homework assignments for
the rest of the year, you've earned
it.
Billy raises his hand.
MRS. APLIBBTON
Yes, Billy?
BILLY
Didn't you like my paper?
MRS. APLIBBTON
Your paper on President Taft?
BILLY
Yeah, I thought it was something
special also.
MRS. APLIBBTON
I was going to speak with you about
that in private, but since you
brought it up now... no. I really
had no idea what you were writing.
It seemed like the rantings of a
crazy person, and I'll be meeting
with your parents this evening. It
was something about a dog, and a
window, and President Taft's soul,
and the Civil War... No mentions
of pineapples whatsoever. It was
really the most pointless thing
you've ever written, and that's
saying something.
BILLY
Oh, right, the pineapples. I knew
I was forgetting something.
MRS. APLIBBTON
Topical references to pineapples
wouldn't have saved that paper,
Billy.
SUSAN
Can I go home and play?
MRS. APLIBBTON
Of course, Susan. Go ahead.
Susan leaves.
Outside, ominously, a DOG watches through the window.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS
DOG
(to himself)
Yes... Everything is coming along
perfectly...
The dog chuckles an evil little chuckle and then walks off
down the road.
FADE TO BLACK.