Why Snail Prejudice is Bad
“But I’m just a snail!” the snail sputtered. “How can I motivate the yokels to become more efficient farmers?”
Yes, Snirpty the snail was always underestimating himself and falling prey to the rampant anti-snail prejudice that permeated his society. After hundreds of years of anti-snail propaganda thrust in everyone’s face, even little impressionable elementary school children, even Snirpty himself was believing it.
And to top it off, he had no faith in himself not only because of snail prejudice, but also because of his name. Snirpty? What kind of weird freaking name was Snirpty, he would often wonder to himself, usually before crying himself to sleep at night. Those cold lonely nights in his snail-sized condo, on his snail-shaped bed, were some of the hardest nights to deal with of his life. It was almost enough to make him reach for the salt shaker that he kept hidden behind the jar of cinnamon in the pantry, but not quite. He wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
But did he motivate the listless farmers to fertilize the crap out of their fields and farm them like they were a legendary farmer of old? No, he was too paralyzed with fear and bronchitis to even try.
Will he ever overcome his fear? How about his bronchitis? Will his snailish mailbox be filled with ads and junk mail, or thank-yous from newly energized farmers across the nation? Only time will tell. Well, time and Snirpty himself, he could tell us also if he doesn’t commit suicide before then.
I hope you’ve enjoyed our brief look into the life of a modern snail. Snail rights are an important issue to all of us, even if we aren’t lowly little snails ourselves. While they might be incompetent and sniveling and a rotten plague that is festering throughout the land, they deserve to be free of the prejudice and hatred that exists for them today. Won’t you join me in giving these ugly little slimy creatures the respect and opportunities that they so dearly deserve?