Consecrated Brownies
I wish I could find someone to consecrate my brownies. How long have I been living like a heathen, eating regular old run of the mill brownies that have not been imbued with a supernatural presence. An essence of God, if you will. What kind of jerk just sits around eating brownies that haven’t been blessed?
The kind of jerk who looks like me, I guess. I wish someone had told me this was even an option. For all these years I knew something was missing from my brownie eating procedures, but I didn’t realize what that was. It was only when I was picking up some take-out from Outback Steakhouse that I overheard one of the patrons telling the bartender how much his life has improved since he started eating consecrated brownies.
I almost dropped my dinner in astonishment. Holy brownies, blessed by God? Yes! This was exactly what’s been missing from my brownies for all these years. Why am I fooling around with recipes and ingredients–butterfly wings don’t improve the flavor as much as you would expect, by the way–when the answer was at Outback all along?
Unfortunately, I was so shocked with this revelation that I forgot to talk to the other patron to find out where I can get this done. All of the priests I’ve called up have claimed that they don’t bless brownies, and even if they did, I was too old to get my brownie blessed in the first place. I’m about to turn to begging on the streets for some random holy passerby to do what needs to be done to my brownies.
But before I stoop to that level, I thought I’d ask you guys. So, consider this my formal request for brownie blessings. Please stop the tormenting from the cursed brownies that wound up in my garbage disposal, because I can’t take another day of their unholy shrieking and wailing and eating of my dishes and utensils. Bad brownies!