The Most Honest Path to Hell
My priest said that unmasking the funkiest saints is the most honest path to eternal hellfire and damnation and all of hell’s other amenities. I suppose he was trying to imply that all the brooding baseball players who try to get into hell by dodging onions and cracking open the occasional sternum or two are trying to find their way to eternal damnation dishonestly?
I don’t know if I completely agree. I think that walking up to some doughy stranger on the sidewalk and cracking open his or her sternum is a fairly honest path to hell. Maybe during these Halloween days it could be seen as ironic and costumed sternum cracking, but throughout the rest of the year’s days it must be crisply and cleanly denoted as pure honesty.
I tried to explain this to my priest, but I think he thought I was a punk coming in from the street to draw on his splotchy face, and then maybe carve it to look like a pumpkin. I laughed at that misunderstanding, but he did not, and refused to see me. Even after I put away my pumpkin carving tools and drill bits, he still refused to see me.
I don’t understand what’s wrong with the guy. Ever since his congregation gave him a surprise birthday present of washing off his goldfish and its fishbowl in the communal washbowl, he’s been distant and non-communicative. Some of the more ghoulish members of the congregation suggested that he might have become a monk and taken a vow of silence and a vow of splotchiness.
That’s definitely a possibility, since his face’s splotches stuck around even after I snuck antibiotics into the sacrament. Was that sinful? Was it at least an honest way to get to hell? Am I overanalyzing my sacrament doping, and should just forget about it and relax in sickbay until Halloween passes us by and everything returns to normal?
So many decisions to make, and so few veto votes left that I can use to get out of them.