Halloween: Shrek Killed My Mailman
Tonight is when the youngsters of the species put on their disguises and take to their streets for a delicious orgy of sugar and violence. Did you see that one over there dressed like Shrek make several jagged incisions in the mailman, and sheath his dagger before the national guard trooper saw it? Who will deliver my mailgram now?
Halloween is the darkest of days, filled with juvenile murder and mayhem. The dregs of kindergarten meet up with the supernatural underage underworld at the interdimensional vortex and team up to dispense their annual dose of horror across the country.
Look at that one there, dressed like Merlin if Merlin was an evil goblin possessed by Satan herself and with an insatiable taste for miniature Snickers bars and human eyeballs. Actually, maybe it’s best not to look directly at him, because of his eyeball hunger. Best to avert your gaze, or at least hide your eyeballs behind sunglasses so he can’t easily pluck them from their sockets. After all, they’ve become accustomed to living in their sockets, and we don’t want to put them through the stress of moving to a new home after all these years of eyeball socket happiness.
Is that kid dressed as sandpaper? That’s not that scary. Ooh, wait, it’s really course sandpaper. He could scrape your skin right off. What would the forensic examiners say to that? Could they figure out the brand and courseness of the sandpaper and then track it down to the only hardware store in a 50-mile radius that sells it? Or would he get away without trial or incarceration, free to sandpaper again next year?
It’s enough to make you want to move to Thursday, where you could freeload off of a gang of collies who would protect you from having your flesh ripped to pieces by a wandering 7-year-old and his chainsaw.
And so I wish you a safe and casualty-free Halloween.