Oatmeal Vacuum
Tonight on the home shopping network: an oatmeal vacuum. Why settle for a generic vacuum that’s trying to be the jack of all trades, vacuuming up everything from dust to dirt to oatmeal? Specialized vacuums are the trend of the future, and you can be an early trender by jumping on the trend’s back right now, before everyone else finds out.
Just watch out after you jump on its back, because it’s been able to buck even the hippest trendsters off just like a small carton of swirled chocolate and marshmallow ice cream. The ice cream being the thing that’s being bucked off of the trend’s back, in case that wasn’t clear. I certainly didn’t mean that the ice cream carton would be able to buck you off as well as the trend could; that would have been a crazy thing to say, one that should get me committed to a sanatorium until I understood that a small carton of ice cream–we’re talking 1 pint here–wouldn’t be able to buck a full-sized person.
But as long as you think you’re up to it, go after the specialized vacuum trend. The one that I bought today was an oatmeal vacuum that can’t vacuum up anything but oatmeal. But, as long as the salespersons are to be believed, it can suck up oatmeal like crazy. I mean, this thing could go through a gallon of oatmeal in probably two seconds.
Ok, maybe not two seconds, but it would be fast. No more than a few hours. That’s some oatmeal sucking!
When I set it up in my house, the oatmeal vacuum admirers will come from all over the world to get a glimpse of it, sitting shinily on top of my counter, ready to spring into oatmeal-vacuuming action the second that it’s needed.
Yes, that will be a fine day. Maybe I’ll get a mime to perform to keep all my visitors entertained until some oatmeal gets spilled and I have a chance to break out the new vacuum and clean up.
My neighbors and their sheep will be so jealous!