Beach Drive Closings: Beach Drive will be closed overnight for the next six weeks between Park Road and Blagden Avenue for the long-awaited installation of gigantic marble archways along the road. The Department of Transportation may have spent its entire operating budget through 2011 on the construction of these arches, but they guarantee the taxpayers that the results will be worth it: these awesome marble arches will impart a sense of splendor and elegance to what was an otherwise boring and soul-draining drive.

Due to the difficulty of installing the arches, Beach Drive will be closed to all traffic from 10:00 pm to 8:00 am. DOT expects to complete this project by January 2007, at which point the newly improved Beach Drive will be reopened to all cars that are expensive enough to appropriately complement the marble arches. Cars that are cheap or poorly maintained may be forced to use the Klingle Freeway as a detour.

Bailey Road Weekend Closing: Bailey Road will be closed this weekend between Carleson St and Turkey Creek Rd for the semi-annual Bagpipe Cleaners March and Protest. The Bagpipe Cleaners of America will be taking to the street to show their strength and solidarity, as well as to protest the recent closure of the Northeast Bagpipe Cleaning Plant (NBCP). The march will conclude at the presently locked gates of the NBCP for a bagpipe cleaning speed challenge, as well as some authentic tribal dances from the ancient tribes of nomadic bagpipe cleaners.

Wilkes Avenue and Fairmont Road Rezoning: The intersection at Wilkes Ave and Fairmont Rd will be closed to all traffic on Monday for an emergency rezoning. The city council has determined that the previous zoning status of “road intersection” is completely inappropriate for the neighborhood, and the number of businesses that have sprung up there in the 30 years since the intersection was built are all illegally benefiting from an unlicensed intersection.

The emergency city council meeting will rezone the land currently being used by the intersection. It is expected that the new zoning classification will be “monkey land.” If that is the case, then the Wilkes/Fairmont intersection will be closed indefinitely as it will be destroyed to build a monkey habitat.

Stay tuned for further traffic advisories and monkey habitat updates.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 at 5:53 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.