Unadorned Giraffes
Unadorned giraffes are ruining our zoos!
Yes, in zoos across the country, kids on field trips and hungover celebrities who don’t know where they are are discovering that they are in a zoo. But that’s not what shocks them into a state of extreme paralysis that can only be cured through careful administration of a bagel and lox sandwich.
No, the paralyzing factor is that the giraffes are unadorned! If you had read the first line up above, you probably had already figured that out — and that’s assuming that you didn’t already know all about it from news reports and the like. But I wouldn’t be too surprised if you hadn’t; the media is being disturbingly quiet about the unadorned giraffe issue, and I’m not entirely sure why. Frebby says that it’s because the media is in the pocket of Big Zoo and their lobbyists, which is definitely a possibility, if a little bit on the conspiracy theory side for my liking.
But you can’t ignore the facts: more American zoo giraffes are unadorned today, in December 2006, than at any other point in the history of the universe.
Just last Tuesday I went to a zoo in Pittsburgh to see the giraffes. I had high hopes, because my band of zoo spies had told me that all was well in Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, that was a four-month old report. When I got there, the giraffes were completely un — wait for it — adorned.
No funny hats, no carefully knitted sweaters to keep them warm.
No lacy white socks for the back-in-fashion frilly giraffe look. No diapers on the baby giraffes.
No adornments whatsoever. Naked giraffes, everywhere, sticking their uncovered necks up for no good reason. What do they have to be so necky about? They’re completely unadorned!
I stormed back to the entrance and demanded my money back. They didn’t give me any kind of refund, but I did find a half-eaten carrot on the way out, so that served as a small refund.
I tried going back and tossing slippers and tennis shoes (made entirely out of non-giraffe leathers) into the giraffe pit, but I think the government tipped the zookeepers off to my plan, because they wouldn’t even let me in. Even when I tried telling them that I was going to see the lemur exhibit and wouldn’t be anywhere near the giraffes, they still wouldn’t let me in. Yes, I was lying about the lemurs, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t let them know that.
And then I went home and had some hot chocolate and dreamed of gorillas playing the trumpet. Oh, silly chocolate, why do you trumpet me so?