Wrong Gifts
For Christmas I got a pumpkin. That didn’t seem right, that seems more like the kind of thing that you’d give to someone for Thanksgiving. That is, if Thanksgiving was the kind of holiday where you gave presents. But it’s not, is it? It’s more of a pumpkin pie and dressing up like ghosts and vampires.
Sure, you dress up like vampires and goblins for Christmas, and you occasionally have some turkey pies, but that’s completely different than Thanksgiving. If someone’s going to mix them up that badly as to lead to giving me a pumpkin for Christmas, then I think they have serious issues to work out. How are they ever going to function properly and get through life if they can’t tell one holiday from another?
The next thing you know, these kinds of confused people will be giving me spice racks filled with nothing but paprika for Labor Day. And then an empty eye socket for Memorial Day. And probably some radio battery juice for my birthday. Emancipation pedals for President’s Day? Sure, why not, if you’re giving away pumpkins for Christmas, then anything is fair game!
It’ll just lead to anarchy, I’m telling you. Wood carvings of famous historians for Bastille Day. A nameless and faceless windowpane embedded in a slab of concrete for the Fourth of July. A used matchstick for Boxing Day. The fossilized bones of a dragon for Veteran’s Day.
Even a child knows that these gifts are entirely wrong, but then they show up, neatly wrapped in a bow and ribbon and given to you with a smile and a funny card, but completely wrong nonetheless. A funny card does not make up for a present that’s inappropriate for the holiday!
Sorry for the exclamation mark, but some lessons simply won’t be learned without the strongest of punctuation. I hope that I didn’t offend any little old ladies out there with my exclamation mark, causing them to spill their lemonade all over their keyboards and cause their house to burn down. If so, I apologize, but I still feel that my punctuation use was warranted.
If you disagree, you know where to find me.