Life Changes: From Snails to Marimbas to Midgets to Bwub
You are due for some changes in your life. Maybe you’ll win the lottery. But probably not; the stars and the odor of the rainwater I collected last night indicate that the changes are much more likely to be some of the following. I have mixed in assorted tips for life as well, since everyone can always use those.
Your new career will be fastidiously italicizing all the writing on the sides of buses.
You will invent a floating barn that is immune to flooding, although a little inconvenient for the cows when it starts floating on air.
Your shabby marimbas will be miraculously cleaned up.
Don’t go parachuting on days when you taste mercury in your tap water.
Flamboyant midgets in Hawaiian shirts are not friendly, and the sensation you feel when you shake their hands is your brain attempting to run away from them. Listen to your brain and run away as well.
Midgets in khaki shirts are to be trusted with your life savings and your first-born child.
Flavored snakeroot is much better than unflavored snakeroot.
If you see an unexpected solar eclipse, immediately pray to Bwub, the god of solar eclipses. Bwub is known to seek revenge — in the form of blaringly loud bagpipe music — against all those who stand in the eclipse’s shadow but refuse to pray to him.
You will find a snail with a slimy matchbook on its back. Don’t let it near your shoes. No matter what kind of sob story the snail gives you — usually something about just getting out of jail after being framed for murder — just don’t let it near your shoes. It might cry or threaten you or bribe you. You must stand firm on this one. No shoe access can be allowed.
I hope these help you out! Good luck in your future!