Doing the Martian Shuffle
Hey everybody! Let’s do the Martian Shuffle! It’s an interplanetary sensation!
Ok, so maybe not. Maybe I’m lying. Maybe recent world events have turned people off of the idea of Mars-inspired dance moves. Or maybe the Surgeon General’s recent report on how unsafe it is to move in that way is finally sinking in. If it’s the latter, well, you guys didn’t need your spines anyway, did you? Spines are overrated, if you ask me. Twisting your spine to the point of partial paralyzation is part of the fun of the Martian Shuffle, isn’t it?
I say that we’re giving the health bigwigs too much power. Let’s bid good riddance to them and ride off into the sunset without their barbaric advice ringing in our ears. Let’s champion dancing over spinal health. It’s important to keep your priorities straight in life, otherwise you might find yourself old and decrepit, completely unable to experience the Martian Shuffle even once in your life. And what then? Will you look back on those years of good spinal health and think, “Boy, I’m glad I never contorted my spine into weird shapes just for fun”? I highly doubt it. You’ll look back and realize how many minutes of ecstasy you let slip away because of paranoid health fears.
So come along with me. Put on your tutu, get a fresh infusion of wiggle juice, and let’s do the Martian Shuffle! Yes! Now we’re talking! Mash that Martian! Squish that squirrel! Leap over that lantern and its winky lamp! Tiptoe through the tulips!
Awesome dancing. Let me kick your lower back a few times, that ought to knock your vertebra back into some kind of close-enough alignment.
There, now aren’t you glad that you finally lived?