Looking For a Toupee Buying Guide
I hate to say it, but I think it might be time that I bought myself a toupee. Today is Martin Luther King day, and I feel that I am highly attuned to his wishes and dreams. For I too have a dream, that one day I will be able to walk out in the streets with something that looking vaguely like hair on my head. I’d never walk around like that in Raleigh, North Carolina, but in the streets of some dispirited place like Dallas, Texas, a toupee should be fine.
I don’t know what you should look for when you go shopping for a toupee. Do you need to find one that’s shielded against religious nuts so that their scary thoughts can’t penetrate the hardened coating of the toupee and get into the soft and vulnerable brain that lies beneath it?
Are there any toupees that you can train — much like you would a collie — to fetch sticks, roll over, play dead, and cook you a lobster bisque for dinner once in a while? Or are they all about the same level of intelligence, so there’s no point in selecting one based on trainability?
Can any improve my Photoshop skills? I always try to airbrush hair onto my bald head in photos, but it winds up looking more like I’ve been attacked by a blunt object by a clown. Once in a while I can get it to look something like a lion’s mane, but some people can detect that I don’t really have a lion’s mane on my head, and therefore it must be a fake picture.
Are there any toupees that might try to behead me in my sleep to have my body all to themselves? Do those come with warning stickers, or do you just need to read Consumer Reports or look for reviews on Amazon to find out about them?
Should I find one that matches my slacks, or should I buy new slacks to match my new hairpiece?
Will my cattle still recognize me after I start wearing a toupee? Or do I need to reassure them that I’m really me, with soft classical music, romantic candles, and endless games of Trivial Pursuit?
Speaking of Trivial Pursuit, will a toupee affect my bingo skills? I won a jewel-encrusted dialysis machine at the last bingo game I went to, and I’d hate for my skills to deteriorate just for the sake of me looking good.
And finally, will it have any affect on my major arteries?
If anyone can help me out, I’d appreciate if you shared your wisdom in the comments box below. I’m new at all of this hair-buying stuff, in case you couldn’t tell.