Fighting the Census Department Without Camels
Does the Census Department dare to hold our population captive while their squires limp from door to door, counting how many teeth we have and improvising songs about meadowlarks swaggering home through their meadows after a night drunk in Lithuania? I hope they don’t arrest me for it, but that seems to be a little beyond their mandate.
I think it’s all a secret plot to satisfy the Census Departments hunger for human handwriting, upon which it feeds like a gigantic handwriting monster. You can try to fight it with dissolved vinegar, or you can try to fight it with the best talking mascots you can find, but none of those will work. In the end you’ll be slouched against the couch trying to get a mouse out of your pouch.
So, I’ve been meaning to ask you: why do you have a pouch, anyway? Are you some kind of kangaroo in disguise? Are the kangaroos going to join us in our epic struggle against the hounding eagles at Census? I tried getting the camels on board last year, but they didn’t seem to understand the strategies I had come up with; they kept trying to extract tinfoil from their squires, which definitely wasn’t on the strategic planning documents I had sent them. I don’t know how they could have mixed up lemon wax with tinfoil. Stupid camels.
The other plan is just to bombard them with confusing questions. If they really are robots, their heads will spin around and smoke will pour out and they will eventually implode in a paradox, like on some cheesy 60′s science fiction film. The last time they were here with their census-like eyes and their census-like glasses, I asked them if the mystical land of Trinidad could possibly be where I was born, and if not, why was my refrigerator full of ox blood?
I also asked them for their autographs, but asked them to sign them in melted caramel, and to pretend that they were really giant talking beetles rather than census takers. Although giant beetles would have no interest in our teeth, so it’s obviously impossible for them to be beetles. The plan was that they would realize this and either turn into beetles or explode.
Sadly, neither happened. But together with the kangaroos, we will eventually be victorious. And then we can start counting all the kangaroos that are roaming the countryside, because having no idea how many kangaroos are out there — and which ones are potentially murderous — is no way for a civilized society to be.
Let’s get counting with those kangaroos!