Fighting the Eyestalks
Eyestalks wandering through the desert.
Eyestalks eating ice cream under a palm tree.
Eyestalks trying on new Air Jordans to beat those woodchucks at a good, honest game of sawmill defacement.
Yes, everywhere we turn it’s eyestalks this and eyestalks that. And even when we don’t turn anywhere, we still have eyes and their respective stalks staring our eyes in the face far too often. Where’s their common decency? Where’s their adherence to the 2004 Eyestalk Control Act and Colonization Criteria? The ECACC isn’t something for eyestalks to follow or not follow depending on their whim and temperature of the day. The ECACC is law and not to be messed with.
The ECACC is serious business.
In lighter news, I found a blanket a few blocks away. It’s yellowed and covered in strange geometric shapes that make my head hurt and make me want to smash atoms together in anger, like the Incredible Atomic Hulk. But so far I haven’t smashed anything, not even the blanket, because the eyestalks were watching.
I guess it was good that they were there in that case, because otherwise who knows what kind of damage I might have done to myself, my surroundings, and that weird little blanket. Instead I just curled up on the sidewalk with the blanket wrapped around me, keeping me warm. I secreted my blood plasma into the very fibers of the blanket until it could absorb no more, and then I sent it off to Egypt for safekeeping.
The eyestalks watched every little plasma secretion that I did, but they didn’t try to stop me. Maybe these were ECACC-obeying eyestalks, or maybe the blanket had special eyestalk-controlling powers. I hope it was the former, because I would hate to have squandered such a valuable blanket by just scrawling EGYPT on the back and sticking it in a mailbox.
And, on second thought, that might not have been a mailbox. I was wondering why it didn’t have a head. I think it was a beheaded prince or princess from the olden days, brought back to our present time through some kind of newfangled time machine. Yes, that’s what I think.
Oops. Sorry about that. I hope I just haven’t caused the human race to be enslaved to our gracious eyestalk overlords. If I have, you should feel free to send me back to college, because clearly I haven’t learned everything that I should have learned by now.
In college I will drink beer and experiment with various substances and actions that are not to be spoken of — well, ok, the substance is “toast” and the action is “swimming” — and will try to learn more about not dooming the entire planet to a future of hard work in the great sunflower mines of the eyestalks.
I apologize.
If, in fact, that’s what I did. The jury is still out on that one. If you have any proof, I’d love to see it. Toss it in the air and I will snatch it from above your head before it can land again, because I’m just that agile. Aren’t I great?