Anna Nicole Smith, Lisa Nowak, Or Pickles? Pick One.
Between Anna Nicole Smith and Lisa Nowak it seems like the American media just doesn’t care about stories that matter. One crazy astronaut and one dead B-list celebrity? Those are the top news stories in this country? There’s something seriously wrong with that.
What about everyone who was killed in Iraq today? What about the terrible things our government is doing to us? What about pickles?
When was the last time you heard the media give pickles — or even cucumbers, for that matter — any attention at all? They just ignore them as if they don’t exist and aren’t one of the most important issues facing this country.
Why, just this morning, a stray pickle actually broke into my house through the mail slot. I know I’ve thought in the back of my mind about how the mail slot isn’t a very secure mail delivery system, and that small pickle-sized objects could potentially get in through it, but I always figured I’d be safe.
Well, I wasn’t.
After searching the Internet and reading up on Wikipedia, I found out that I’m not the only person whose house has been invaded by pickles that managed to leap through the mail slot. But I didn’t find that out until too late, of course. If the media had only done their job and spent more time striking pickle-related fear into our hearts and the very depths of our souls, maybe I would have taken precautions sooner. Maybe this morning’s horrific pickle attack wouldn’t have happened.
Maybe my loaf of bread would still be alive, unviolated and strong like a donkey. Maybe my best suit wouldn’t smell like pickle juice. Maybe my entire family won’t be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder for years to come. I’m shaking in my comfy socks just sitting here and thinking about it again.
But the media didn’t warn us at all. They left us to fend for ourselves in the face of the great pickle enemy, and instead spend all of their time talking about celebrities and quasi-celebrities and failed American Idol contestants. They are failing us, over and over, as evidenced by my pickle experience this morning.
Did I mention that my car seems to drive a little differently since then? I don’t know if the pickles got under the hood and messed with it, or crawled underneath to mess with whatever’s down there (transmissions? brake lines? dried bison meat? retired Republicans? I’m no mechanic, obviously). If the media spent more time on pickle-related investigative reports to tell us, the pickle-stricken public, what they are up to, we could defend ourselves better and have some clue what to look for.
But I have no clue. All I can do is drive my car in constant fear that it might randomly start doing handstands or turn into a vampire car that goes around eating cows. I have no idea, because the CNNs and MSNBCs of this country won’t tell me.
Please tell me more about pickles!