How to Spend an Ice Storm Day Off
I hear that a good old fashioned winter storm is coming this way, complete with snow and sleet and thick layers of ice to make the whole planet be smooth and cool, much like Vanilla Ice on a brisk fall day.
On winter days like today, I enjoy opening up a big box of fruit and stuffing little earwigs into the fruit. Those earwigs have to learn one way or another, and this appears to be the way that they will have to learn about fruit and other hardships in life. I think the students in Mrs. Midritt’s class would snicker at the thought of an earwig orange, but that’s exactly the kind of thing I like to prepare on days like today.
Once the fruit is properly earwigged, I’ll usually move on to learning how to float and hover above the ground. The ice storm helps with my floating a little bit, because there’s very little friction from the ice-covered ground. But it doesn’t help that much; you still need to have excellent hovering skills to stay in the air for any significant amount of time, and that takes endless hours of practice. But when it all works out and you come floating over the hills, dazzling onlookers with such a cathartic vision of floatiness, it’s all worthwhile.
Unless the onlookers have slingshots. Slingshots are the natural enemy of floating above the ground, and I hate them. Hate hate hate hate. I’d rather eat sprigs of mint than have to deal with slingshot-wielding onlookers. Their shots just disrupt the thermals I float on and mess with my gravity-defying concentration.
It’s bad stuff. I’ll wind up spinning out of control and corkscrewing down towards the ground. Luckily, if it’s nothing but ice, I’ll just slide along and knock over those meddling onlookers like they were a bunch of bowling pins and I was a man-sized and man-shaped bowling dummy sliding down the hill.
But there’s no reset switch in this bowling alley; those onlookers will forever be lying there, still and motionless on the ice, remembering their slingshot foolishness for the rest of their days, until the universe dies it’s long and painful heat death.
That’s how I’m spending my day. How about you?