No Words Today
I have nothing to say today.
Really.
Yeah, I see you over there in the corner, drinking your liquids and starting minor tornadoes when you think that nobody’s looking. I can tell that you don’t believe me, and that you think I really will have something to say today after all. Well, scoot on over to the other corner where we keep the stupid people, because you’re wrong.
Today I am completely without words or content of any kind. I can’t even give you a map to find someone who does have something to say, because providing that map would go against all of my values and principles for today, which, as mentioned earlier, is to say absolutely nothing.
Not even the Incredible Hulk could drag words out of my mouth by way of my teeth and tongues. Not even the promise of ten Fridays in a row, or a blurry little snail that could grant some wishes. You have to understand, today is just not a day to be using words in any meaningful way.
Words need rest. I need rest. Gabe, the kid who cleans the mailboxes with nectarine juice, he also needs a break from it all. Joe the gunrunner needs a new vacuum cleaner, but he could also use some rest, even if he won’t admit it. Cassandra with her long hair and her rusty old van could really use a brand new car, but even more critical is that she could use a break from words.
Because words keep controlling us, making us walk like robots and play the xylophone like robots and clean mailboxes like slightly robotic Americans. Shouldn’t we have at least one day a year where we rise up against them in silence? Keep our Internet quiet and sterile and keep our porpoises sterile and strong, ready to spring into battle at a moments notice?
I think so, and that’s why I’m taking a stand here today. I plan on spouting green sprouts from the top of my head, and then see what you people have to say about it without using words at all. I think that’s one of the best plans I’ve ever had, and if you disagree than you aren’t made out of maple syrup like I used to think you were.
For the rest of you, with your maple syrup bodies, let’s just all grow green sprouts and stop using words. Until later in the week, we obviously can’t keep them holed up in the quiet parts of our brains forever. That’s the maple syrup talking, not the brain matter that you really ought to be thinking with.