Don’t Look To Me For Remembering
As a newcomer to remembering things from the deepest depths of amnesia, I feel like it shouldn’t be my responsibility to come up with all the secret tips and hidden strategies for successful remembering. And yet nobody else is stepping forward, polishing off their Cockney accent, and taking a manly stab at writing down their experience-laden tips in the cold hard black and white of the Internet. So the job must fall to me.
Can I accept this task? Isn’t it a little too absurd an assignment, even for someone overflowing with chili such as myself? My chili levels have shot through the roof these days, but the sane part of my brain — the part of my brain that is bathed in teriyaki sauce, no doubt — is able to convince me that I am far too new to amnesia to be able to write about it. I should just pretend that I’ve forgotten about my assignment, crawl off into an igloo somewhere and drown my amnesia with lager and crackers.
But is that the best way to handle my newfound civic duty? Can I really run out on what is now a sacred task? Or is the sacredness of my assignment make it an even easier decision to run off to the igloo, since there’s no way I can live up to that peak of significance. I think you may have misjudged me completely with your jive talking, slick walking, disco shocking assignment book. I should not be the one to do this. There is no way I can vacuum up the thick layer of amnesia from the brains of our society.
What you really need is an expert in the field. A ping pong player who has not only forgotten how to play ping pong more than 25 times by now, but who introduces himself to his new neighbors every hour on the hour. That person is the one you want to write this expert treatise on remembering things, not me. I would write the most clueless and anguished version of that article that you could possibly imagine. Even a screaming leech that has overdosed on mustard would be able to write a more pleasant article on remembering than I would be able to.
Sure, obviously if your only choice is between me and a zombie, you should choose me. That’s a given. But with me versus any other potential author, you should go with the other one. Trust me, it’s for the best. I don’t want to be responsible for destroying modern human civilization once and for all, no matter how infamous I would become to whatever species takes power next. Some infamy just isn’t worth the trouble, that’s my motto.