My Molehill Spray
My molehill spray arrived today. Thank you FedEx for being able to find my freshly dug hole so quickly! Your mapping and hole-finding skills surpass even my giraffe’s.
I haven’t started spraying any molehills with my new spray yet. I’m not sure I completely understand how to use it. Do I need to first find the suspicious-looking molehills that are probably full of troublemakers and rabblerousers, and then mark the hill with the appropriate sprayage?
Or do I let the molehill spray itself track down the “bad” molehills? Maybe it can bathe them in a mute and filtered — but still harshly luminescent — light, and then everyone who walks by will know what kind of moles live in that molehill. Those now-indignant passersby can take out their wrath on the hill and expose its occupants for the true moles that they are. It’ll be in all the newspapers, and I’ll be famous for indirectly helping out.
This will be a great time. I will be rich and famous and the world will be almost entirely free of troublemaking molehills and their moley occupants.
All I need to do is figure out how to use this spray. Why don’t they ship it with instructions? I didn’t see any in the box, and I can’t find a manual online either.
I hope the moles didn’t get to it before I opened the box. Now I’m starting to worry. What if they sabotaged it? What if people think that I’m the troublemaker after whatever vermin come out of the sabotaged sprayer when I try to use it? I might wind up spraying goldfish and goldfinch all over the neighborhood, burying all but the biggest dogs under an avalanche of goldnamed animals.
This could be the biggest disaster in the history of molehills. Maybe I better proceed with caution. I will put the molehill spray on the shelf and keep an eye on it. I definitely won’t juggle it along with a flaming bowling ball and a spiky geranium. No, I’ll just let it sit there, maybe once in a while carefully feeling around it with my antennae, and checking for radiation with a Geiger counter.
No goldfinch avalanches for me, thank you very much! I’ll show them!