Some people seem to feel the urge to buy a new telephonic device today. I can only hope that they have read all of the appropriate warning labels and wear the proper protective headgear at all times when operating these devices; some of the hidden, undocumented features aren’t the kinds of things that you want to be wielding willy nilly on the sidewalks of America. Keep that stuff in pre-approved cellular arenas, kids!

Let’s take a look at some of the hidden easter eggs that our crack team of investigative hobos have been able to turn up:

• Oozes a smelly goo if you squeeze on it hard enough, which can be used to seal a leaky bathtub in an emergency.
• Elevating the iPhone to a pressure altitude between 2300 and 2500 feet MSL will cause it to warble in a funny little warbly voice. Some people here think that this warbling may be able to cure cancer. Further study is needed.
• Taking the iPhone to Bermuda unlocks a game of Pong that runs so blazingly fast that only Jesus Christ himself — yes, he rose from the dead just to buy an iPhone — has been able to ever score against it. It is believed that the ability to set an easier level of play is itself a hidden easter egg locked safely within the hidden Pong easter egg game.
• Typing the word “moo” 30 times in a row within 90 seconds will destroy a random city, somewhere in the world. This is not recommended. Sorry, Omaha! We didn’t know that was going to happen!
• The iPhone will melt if placed within 4 feet of a stick of licorice.
• The iPhone will expand to five times its original size if given estrogen injections twice a day for two weeks. At this size it is likely to float away, so it’s recommended that you tether it to a tree or sturdy fire hydrant.
• Taking the iPhone into a sandstorm and winning a game of chess against it will create an invisible force field around you, protecting you from the sandstorm. Be warned that there is no protection while you are playing the game, so be sure to sharpen your chessing fingers before trying this.
• Placing the iPhone inside a medium or large dog will cause the iPhone to bark uncontrollably.
• If you travel back in time with it to before the invention of the telephone, try not to let anyone see. While technically not an easter egg, we could not find any warning in the manual that listed the possibility of adverse effects. If we have ruined the present by screwing up the past, we apologize. Hopefully one day we’ll be able to bring back the ligobosaur and its mind-blowingly delicious ligo meat for us all to enjoy once again. Sorry about that. Our bad.
• Typing 156 + 156 + 122 + 84.33 – 1 in the iPhone’s calculator and pressing enter seems to have a 50% chance of leaving you color blind through a quick high energy laser burst. There is undoubtedly another code to reverse the effects, but we’re still searching. If you happen to find it, please leave it in the comments. Paul would greatly appreciate it!
• Explodes if you press the number 9.
• Summons large herds of goats if you try to call Steve Jobs between 3:05 and 3:09 in the morning, Pacific time. Legend says that some of the goats will bring iPhone firmware updates from the future, but so far we haven’t been able to find any. Although we have had a mailgoat deliver some legal-sounding letter from Steve that we didn’t completely understand. Maybe that’s what the legend meant? It doesn’t sound quite right.

I hope we’ve helped put you on the path to supreme iPhone enlightenment. We do what we can. Please send us large chunks of money or cheese.

Tags: Bermuda, chess, dogs, easter eggs, estrogen, goats, goo, iPhone, Jesus Christ, licorice, moo, Omaha, Steve Jobs

This entry was posted on Friday, June 29th, 2007 at 11:22 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.