Today I adjust the defrost settings on both my microwave and my car. Since we’re in the hottest days of summer right not, the car defrost setting won’t be needed for at least a few more weeks. The microwave defrost setting could be needed at any moment, on any day. You can never be too prepared to defrost a random octopus or basket full of frozen eggs. Those are just the kinds of things that life demands of you.

To adjust the defrost setting, I wrapped the entire microwave in plastic wrap. Then I printed out a page of Satanic rituals and a page of Jesus talk, and glued them together. I wrote the brand name of the microwave on both sides of the glued pages, and then lit it on fire under the light of a full moon. The entire time I kept my thoughts entirely on the vertex between vowels and ears.

In the morning I gathered up the ashes and put them in a 16 ounce glass. I added a little vodka, some lime juice, a pinch of sugar, a pinch of salt, and the distilled liquid of a golden retriever’s thoughts. I stirred that up and then boiled it, collecting the steam in a Steam Keeper 3000. I then forced the keeper to blow the steam onto the microwave that I had wrapped the day before. In the hot, humid air the plastic wrap contracted and absorbed the essence of the defrost-modifying drink that I had concocted. I tossed a few cucumber slices around the perimeter of the microwave’s radiation zone, and waited for four days.

During that time the neighborhood dogs ate most of the cucumber slices, and licked the microwave over and over. I’m pretty sure they were supposed to do that. I split the plastic wrap open with a knife that had been blessed by the Pope just a few days earlier, revealing my old microwave underneath it.

It was unchanged to unmodified human eyes, but my eyes could see the defrosting whirlwind that was no inside of it. I think the dogs could see it also, since they ran away, whimpering in fear and terror of such a destructively powerful defrost setting.

I have not tested it yet, because I haven’t been able to find the courage. One day soon I will. I pray that my microwave will not bring about the end of the world. That would be a sign that I’ve gone too far in my defrost settings, and probably should have used fewer cucumbers. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you: if the world ends in a few days, and it’s my fault, then don’t follow these instructions exactly when you want to hack your microwave. Use less cucumber.

This lesson is now adjourned.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 12th, 2007 at 10:32 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.