The Dangers of Monday the 13th
This might be one of the unluckiest months ever. It’s always unlucky when Friday the 13th falls on a Monday, like it does today. But then to have that happen in August, in a year that ends with a 7? Well, I can’t think of anything unluckier than that, except for maybe a tattoo of a fish that looks more like a bearded Italian stuck in a windstorm. But since those were outlawed, today takes the position of unluckiest situation possible by default.
Normally at this point I’d try to warn you all about what to expect on this Monday the 13th, but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to. I know that the Ghosts of Luck that will be committing most of the atrocities against us consider secrecy to be of utmost importance. You thought that Harry Potter was kept under strong security? That’s nothing compared to what the Luck Ghosts are able to do. I have naturally buried my remaining loaves of bread in my backyard in preparation for them, but even that won’t be enough to protect me if I divulge their secrets.
So I’m sorry to say that this post isn’t really going to be all that helpful. I can’t afford the risk of letting the Internet as a whole know about what might befall them today. But if you want some kind of advice, let me just recommend avoiding bobcats and skydiving doormat salesmen for the rest of the day. Those of you who know the ways of Luck will be able to understand what I’m trying to hint at, but I think I will be relatively safe from any negative repercussions.
For those of you who don’t understand, I apologize. I cannot help you. When you find yourself shapeless and adrift on an ocean covered in shampoo and dollops of shaving cream, you might remember my words and reach enlightenment. It will be too late to help you and your loved ones, but at least you will know that I could have helped you and chose not to.
And, after all, isn’t that all that counts? I believe that it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a casserole sitting on the counter that needs to get a petroleum glaze before the sun sets. I’d advise the rest of you to do the same.