On Defeating the Horizon
They came at us from the horizon, billions of rabbits intent on breaking into our cars and stealing all of our CDs. Why does the horizon always send angry evil things at us like that? Doesn’t it know that we’re a peaceful people and that we wish it no harm? What have we ever done to the horizon that makes it want to send badness at us (especially early in the morning before we’re even fully awake.)
I think the only possible solution — based on all my years sitting here on the Internet — is to start an online petition that we’d send to the horizon when we’ve gotten thousands or millions of signatures. Online petitions solve everything, at least that’s been my experience so far.
It would say something all official-like, such as:
We, the undersigned, hereby oppose the persecution of our town by the horizon, and demand that it cease and desist all such invasive activities such as evil bunnies and smelly bonefish that fall from the sky like brass doorknobs until we’re all covered in brassy fish. We don’t like that one bit. Thank you.
I don’t know if that’s exactly right, we might need to put in more legalese and big words so that it sounds like something that shouldn’t be messed with. I’ll leave that to the experts at the petition bank.
And then we’ll send it off, and the horizon will have no choice but to listen to our demands. We’ll be free! Free to eat dinner without putting a starch guard into our veins to protect us from poison; free to watch Survivor without wondering if it’ll be Monday forever.
Take that, horizon! Your days are numbered!