The Worst Thing About Halloween
What’s the very worst thing about Halloween? Anyone want to nominate something for the Halloween contest? Feel free to speak up, I’ll just sit here quietly by myself while I wait for one of you lot to start the listing.
But you won’t start, will you? You’ll just sit there acting like your brain is submerged in yogurt, unable to think of a single original thought.
Oops, sorry if that struck a little bit close to home. I know that a large percentage of my audience has yogurt in their skulls. I’m not sure why I seem to attract a higher percentage of yogurtheads than other web sites, but my statistics guy doesn’t lie about these kinds of things, and he guarantees me that my readership is currently hovering right around 45% yogurt. It’s a little spooky, if you ask me. I can’t even imagine how weird and slimy it would feel to have yogurt all over my brain. But then, I’m the kind of person who is almost obsessive about skull draining, just to make sure that it stays clean and dry.
Which reminds me of why we all came here today, Halloween. I guess I should just go first, since nobody else is volunteering.
For me, I always hate the teenagers who come to your door without a costume, hoping to still trick or treat and get some free candy. They don’t even live around here, they drive in from who-knows-where — probably Houston or Cleveland or Anchorage — just to come to my front door and try to get free candy. And then if you don’t give them any candy, they’ll throw you to the ground, hold you down, and pour yogurt into your nose. The next thing you know, you brain’s full of it.
I hate that kind of stuff. Why can’t kids just stay young, costumed, and ignorant of brain yogurting tricks and techniques? Why do I have to design more and more elaborate defenses every year just to keep my brain free of this scourge upon our society? The next thing you know, the vegetarian zombies will be coming around for Veteran’s Day, searching for some tasty brain infusions. I hate those guys almost as much as the Halloween brain kids.
You might get the impression that I hate a lot of people, but that’s really not the case at all. For example, I love gophers. They just sit there on my lawn and squawk up at the sky whenever a jet flies overhead, but aside from that they leave me and my skull alone. And for that they get all of my leftover Halloween candy, if I’m able to successfully defend the homeland from the invading teenagers.
Enjoy the candy, gophers! Your nonviolent occupation is my favorite thing about Halloween!