For January 1st I decided to buy myself a radioactive cobweb. A few of my friends looked at me in surprise and asked what in the world I wanted a radioactive cobweb for. They couldn’t even imagine why I’d want a regular cobweb, not understanding that while a normal cobweb is completely useless, a radioactive one is a delicacy in Brazil as well as Pakistan.

They’re also highly ornamental. Drape one over your Christmas tree and it will glow with the energy of a thousand Curies, lighting up your whole house with a warming glow that can only be provided by a radioactive cobweb.

So I checked the cobweb store’s schedule, and saw that they were indeed open on New Year’s Day. I hopped in my car and drove on down, but when I got there the store seemed to be closed.

I was in shock. I banged on the door, I rattled the windows, I shocked the locks with my electric eye beams. But nothing would open up the cobweb store. I was stranded outside of it, unable to get in, and unable to get back home, now that I had used up my eye beam energy trying to get in. I had no way of energizing my car without my eye beams.

I was in deep trouble. I could understand now why my friends were so discouraging about my plan. They must have subconsciously realized that Assorted Cobwebs International would be closed today, but couldn’t vocalize their hunches because the December bluebirds had stolen their vocal chords. I knew that problem all too well, being the victim of a vocal chord attack myself.

All I could do was sit on the sidewalk outside the store, staring at each passing molecule with envy and greed. How could those molecules travel so swiftly through the air, while I was stuck in this one spot? The very thought destroyed my sanity and turned my brain into a loud and vocal frog.

Ribbit! Ribbit ribbit!

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