A Trip to My Inherited Snowball
I dropped myself off at the inflatable incense holder store, hoping to find — you guessed it — a new inflatable incense holder. You know, for the pool, and/or for camping trips where you don’t want to waste space taking a full-sized incense holder, but you don’t want to just leave your incense lying on the ground like a common homeless person.
When I got to the inflatable incense holder store — which, for some inexplicable reason, was called My Inherited Snowball — I found that the front door was locked with an unsolvable polynomial combination lock. I batted at the lock with my left eye, and stared at the lock with my right eye, but neither eye was making any progress against the lock at all. It was beginning to look like I’d never get into the store.
Just then a gust of wind threw me across the parking lot, although it forgot to bring my boots with me. I had to walk all the way back to the front door to get my boots. Just for that, I’m not voting for Gust of Wind for President. I don’t care if it has the greatest health care plan and Iraq extrication plan in the world; make me walk to pick up my boots, and I’m never voting for you. Let that be a lesson to all of you presidential candidates. I’m mostly looking at you, Ron Paul — especially after our last camping trip where you buried my boots under that magnolia tree.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, trapped in the pincers of a gigantic lobster. I’m not entirely sure how I managed to both escape and boil the lobster alive, all in one smooth sweeping move that had all the women fainting and all the exponents gracefully decaying. It was a magical move, one that I will write about for centuries to come. If only somebody else — besides those fainting ladies and those decaying exponents — had seen it, I’d finally be as famous as I clearly deserve to be.
After defeating the lobster, I made myself an omelet and built an omnisciency machine. Then I did the dishes and took a nap.
It was a fun and eventful day. I am now a fan of all January 7ths, for obvious reasons. Thank you for listening.
Tags: health care, incense, Iraq, lobster, shopping