Something Important
If you don’t mind, I would like to take this opportunity to discuss something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind over the past several decades.
Unfortunately, I don’t know what that “something” is. I can feel it weighing on my mind, even to the extent of making me stumble around dizzily because of both the added top-heavy weight which affects my balance, and also because I think it’s resting on the part of my brain that controls motor functions. My joystick skills have also been weakened, and there’s no way I’m going to set a world high score on my favorite old Commodore 64 games (e.g., Lemonade Stand) with my brain in this condition.
But mostly it seems to be affecting my memory, as evidenced by the fact that I can’t remember what this important topic is that I wanted to write about. Was it something salty? Possibly. Was it something cuddly? Probably not. Was it something with extensive brittle cartilage throughout its body? Stranger things have happened.
And yet here I sit, staring at a computer screen, totally incapable of writing this rant that’s been bubbling up in my skull for who knows how many thousands of years at this point. I’ve taken to wearing a sombrero 24 hours a day just so the rant doesn’t bubble up through the top of my scalp and escape into the atmosphere, where it’s liable to accidentally shoot down a random satellite or passing UFO.
My hastily scribbled notes suggest that it might be something about the squirrel zombies that moved in next door. However, my next door squirrel neighbors insist that those scribbled notes are crazy talk, and simply aren’t a subject for mixed company. My neighbors suggested that undead cats might be a more appropriate topic for a rant, but I can’t find any data on that anywhere in my house or in my brain.
So I’m left with no answer. I’m forced to just sit here like a statue made out of person parts, with this heavy weight in my head, and not rant about anything. Maybe in a few hundred years when I’m cremated, the coroner will discover the subject of the rant, as it’s let loose from its fleshy confines. I hope that, if that day comes, he will hack into this web site using his elite coroner cracking skills and update this entry with the details that I so desperately wish I could provide.
Save us, coroner! Tell us what you know! We will worship you and name you as one of my apostles, and your name and smiling face will be famous to endless future generations.