The Rise of the Silkiest Saboteur
And now our feature presentation, The Rise of the Silkiest Saboteur. Some call it the greatest screenplay of all time, while others disagree and call it the greatest piece of writing — of any type — that has ever been created. Now you can be the judge. Read the script and state your opinion in the comments.
INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - NIGHT
We open in a mysterious room. What kind of room is this?
Where are all the motivational posters that would normally be
in a room? Why are the walls so bare and without motivation?
The very sight of this room introduces many questions. The
SABOTEUR is sitting on a chair, and COLONEL BEERANK is pacing
back and forth behind the chair.
COL. BEERANK
So, you are the saboteur who's been
stealing all of our uniforms and
replacing them with generic
outfits?
SABOTEUR
You could say that.
COL. BEERANK
And stealing all of our rubies and
replacing them with magnolia
leaves?
SABOTEUR
What? Rubies? Really? I love
rubies, I wish I had known you had
some around, I would have totally
stolen those. Nobody tells me
anything...
COL. BEERANK
Ah ha! So you admit to being
clueless about the rubies!
SABOTEUR
Yes, you have figured me out. I
had no clue about the rubies. I am
but a fraud; a sham; a little doggy
who doesn't deserve to be given a
ruby for his birthday.
COL. BEERANK eyes the SABOTEUR suspiciously.
COL. BEERANK
I'm suspicious.
SABOTEUR
I can see that from the way you're
eyeing me with your suspicious eye.
COL. BEERANK
You're very perceptive, noticing my
suspicion.
How could an observant man like you
be so unobservant about the ruby
room, and all of the rubies it
contains?
SABOTEUR
What can I say, I've folded up my
lanyards and retired from
observancy. From now on I plan on
just sitting in my room drinking
cocoa.
INT. SABOTEUR'S ROOM - DAY
The SABOTEUR sits on his bed, drinking cocoa. It's a bright,
sunny day. His room is not at all mysterious, but instead
rather comforting and warm. The cocoa spills out of the
movie screen and douses the audience, warming them and
allowing them to magically smell the delicious cocoa scents.
SABOTEUR
You know, this is the life. I like
cocoa.
INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - NIGHT
Back in the mysterious room, the Saboteur is snapped out of
his cocoa-filled hallucination by the sharp words of Col.
Beerank.
COL. BEERANK
Hey now!
SABOTEUR
Ouch! You stabbed me with your
sharp words! Those words are far
too sharp to be allowed to run
freely through the air. Didn't
your mother ever tell you anything
about running with sharp words?
COL. BEERANK
I'm very sorry. Please accept my
apologies. My words are but
scimitars belonging to the Earl of
Rubyville, and are not meant to be
released among ordinary citizens.
SABOTEUR
Your apology is accepted, on the
condition that you give me a tall
glass of magnesium powder to quench
my endless thirst for magnesium.
COL. BEERANK
Your wish is granted. Do you
promise to end your endless
sabotage?
SABOTEUR
Endless sabotage can never be
ended, but it can be softened. I
promise to transform myself to the
Silkiest Saboteur the world has
ever seen. Would that be to your
liking?
COL. BEERANK
Why certainly, a silky saboteur
sounds perfectly soft and relaxing.
Col. Beerank summons a glass of magnesium powder out of thin
air, as is his habit, and gives it to the Silkiest Saboteur,
who drinks it thirstily.
SABOTEUR
This feels like the beginning of a
beautiful, silky, and saboteuriffic
friendship.
COL. BEERANK
(pointing)
I'm going to build a fishpond right
over there. Please don't sabotage
it at all.
The Silkiest Saboteur smiles.
FADE TO BLACK.